WAKE UP AMERICA!!

I haven't been writing for a while.  Life happens.  Someday I'll write about that.  I got inspired yesterday, so thanks for your follows and comments!

 America (really humanity) this is your wake-up call. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and laugh, marvel and create memes in response to the wildly unacceptable behaviors of public figures in the media.

Congratulations. We’ve ended up here by our own fault.

The debates are a mirror held up to the choices we’ve made as a society as a whole for the last several decades. As a therapist, I've been watching this nightmare unfold one client at a time for 25 years.

It’s the “little things” like:

• In 4th grade, my daughter was referred to the dean and threatened with suspension from school “under the district anti-bullying policy” for writing a very respectful, well-composed letter to a teacher identifying (by name, which was the problem) a student who had cheated in a contest and asking that there be better oversight in the future.
• The employee of a health care system who received exemplary reviews for 5 years, but became uncomfortable after some suggestive comments and pretty overt gaslighting by a supervisor, reported these concerns to HR was written up the day after the “investigation” was concluded (finding nothing), and was fired a month later.
• The countless instances of the use of social media platforms for name-calling, bullying, denigration of others, and out and out brawls.
• Employees of multiple huge, well-known corporations who are expected to tolerate tirades of verbal abuse from customers and are not ALLOWED to set any limits on the way they are treated.
• Federal employees subjected to abuse from their superiors, told in mediation that while the supervisor’s behavior was in fact abusive, there was nothing to be done, and the EEO wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
• The definition of “abuse” being so narrow as to only be valid if damage can be proven AFTER the fact, and even worse victims of abuse being further exploited and traumatized by the system that is supposed to protect them
• A legal system that is no longer about truth, but about WINNING which usually involves finding loopholes and excluding evidence. (Yes there are also cases where innocent people are convicted but in today’s world of advanced forensics I believe this to be the exception not the rule).
• Teachers, tasked with the impossible, yet unable to consequence deplorable behavior of students without then being subjected to the deplorable behavior of parents without backup from administration.
• I’m not even going to get into the discrimination issues – or the other side of that coin, people using their “special status” to not be held accountable for their behaviors or not held to the same standards as others.

And that’s just what I have seen PERSONALLY. RECENTLY.

Take a good look in that mirror, America, and be honest about what you see PERSONALLY. How do you speak to your spouse? How do you TEACH your children to respect others by SHOWING them respect? How do YOU speak to the customer service representative, even if they are from another country, don’t speak passable English and can’t resolve your issue? How do you speak to the person who just rear-ended you, or cut you off in traffic? Where are your biases (we all have them) and how do you stay alert to when those biases and prejudices could impact your decisions? What are the sweeping generalizations you make about those groups or individuals with whom you disagree? How are your skills for RESPECTFULLY disagreeing?

Once you’ve taken that thorough inventory, do something about it.

• Learn good communication skills, including skills for managing conflict in a respectful, constructive way. If you are struggling for resources, google "good communication skills."
• Expand your vocabulary. You don’t have to pretend not to notice the misbehavior of others, but be able to describe it eloquently beyond using words like “nasty,” or "stupid" or name-calling, or making comments about someone’s mother. Also, If you're going to post a rant on social media and wish to be taken seriously, USE SPELL CHECK and know the difference between your and you're.
• STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. Don’t look the other way, use those communication skills when you see that something is wrong and do something about it. That doesn’t mean go somewhere else and tattle on what you observed, DO something. That might mean you intervene when someone is being mistreated and you become the target of a tirade. Use those good communication skills to de-escalate.
• VOTE. Get involved. Write letters to your representatives and let’s agree as a country to get some better humans in positions of power. Good grief we need better choices who have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning.

We are all responsible for the way this has turned out. Edmund Burke once said that “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” None of us are blameless, and we’ve got to turn this ship around. Pronto. That being said, it’s taken a long time to get here and it will take a long time to change. Quick fixes and rash promises are wasted energy.

DO SOMETHING. Do something every day. Something small, something within your sphere of influence. Whatever it is, Just DO SOMETHING and change will come.

LISTEN UP SCHOOLS

Reprinted with permission from the 12 year old student who wrote this upon becoming overwhelmed at school.  It was journaled on a school computer, which flagged some of the words in the letter.  The writer was called in to the office and questioned (appropriately) about their safety and whether this person knew specifically of other students who were in danger.  The thing is, no one addressed what this person wrote.  No one said "we get it" or "you're right."  

Dear writer.  You're right, you're awesome, and you deserve to be heard.  :)
                                                                                                                                               

To whom it may concern,

This has to stop. 

I know, you don't care about anything other than numbers. So let this number take her shape. I am 48673921. My father knows me as …………. ……………... My friends know me as …………. But all that matters to you is my number. Number, last name, first name. That's all I am. That's all I ever will be. You don't care about the fact that my arm is scarred because of you. You don't care that because of what you do I could be dead today. All I am is test scores and a number. Not my family. Not my life. Not the fact that I cry myself to sleep at night. The only reason you would care is if my scores are terrible, or perfect. You don't notice that people avoid eating because others insult their weight. You don't care if someone goes home and swallows pill, after pill, after pill, in an effort to kill themselves. 

You don't care. 

You don't change. 

You say you care when you give kids counselors at school and a peppermint or two for a test that hasn't been proven to help anyone in anything. Tell them to eat or sleep. You don't really care. You tell kids to sleep, but don't care about the fact that they can't for fear of failing. Tell them to study, but also tell them to go to bed early. 

Go ahead and write me off, just like you always want to do. Claim children have freedom, have choice, as you turn away from them pleading, begging for change. Say they don't get to decide. But I won't give up. While you shove textbooks and facts down my throat, I can force cold, hard truth into your minds. You tell me to read about food famines, and I can tell you about children with bounties of food turning themselves into skeletons. People cutting their wrists with scissors, scratching themselves raw. Going to school even though they feel sick with anxiety  because mental illness is suffocating them.

You just don't get it, do you? You don't get that children deserve to have a say in their education, not their parents, not the President, them. The kids to slit their wrists because of you. Lots of this is your fault. Accept it. Do something before another child gets hurt because of you. Get angry at kids who need to have something to do when they draw in class. Then ask why they hate themselves. Why they disobey you and wind up drawing a noose, wishing you could take it from the paper and leave the world because you're nothing but a worthless failure. The grades can call kids a failure, or unsatisfactory. Then you question why kids can't bear to stay on the planet. Then kids wind up turning so much as an A- into the message: "You stupid, stupid kid, why do you think you can do anything right, what made you think you were anything but a failure." 

Answer honestly: How does it feel to have blood on your hands?

How does it feel to know that because of your ignorance, kids have scars?

How does it feel to hear that because you refuse to take action, your precious little numbers cry themselves to sleep at night?

How does it feel for a kid to tell you this?

Judging by the fact that there hasn't been a change the children have selected so much as once, you don't care.

As long as you get your straight A numbers, you don't care.

As long as you get some perfect people, you don't mind a few deaths on your hands. 

Show that you care. Change things. Or people will die. It isn't a kid whining because of homework. This is a kid stating that if you don't do anything, people will continue to harm themselves. To cry themselves to sleep. To attempt suicide. It's time to do something. People claim slavery is over, racism is mostly at an end. But it won't be until you give children the right to decide their fates. The chance to choose their rights. I'm not saying kids need the chance to vote for the President, but for the chance to pick their rights. Otherwise you may as well tell children that they don't matter.

I know you won't listen. But I won't surrender. Open your eyes. I don't care if you send me off to a mental hospital because of things I do and feel. I'm just sick of seeing the hurt you cause without even batting an eye.

Sincerely, 

48673921

THAT HAPPENED ...

There are many trends in the modern lexicon that bug the dickens out of me.  “That NEEDS FIXED” for example.  That needs TO BE FIXED.  Or TO BE washed . . . or TO BE spoken correctly, for that matter.  Sometimes, I just don’t get it and I have to get my kids to explain it to me.  For example, “Kk.”  Or “KK” or whatever it is.  Is that OK?  And why are we now at “Kk?”  Did something happen to the letter “O?”  And does “Kk” mean something different than “KK?” 

I’m pretty hip for an “old” chick.  I can adapt.  I mean, OMG, I’ve got 2 kids teetering on the brink of teenager-hood.  Thus, I am contractually obligated to maintain some sort of connection with the world in which they live.  So far, I have successfully supported the use of being verbs.  I am working on the pronunciation of the double “t” sound . . . . MITTENS instead of mi(some swallowed sound I don’t know how to spell) ens.  I am sure "DUH" grated similarly on my parents' nerves.

Don’t even get me started on the subject of ADDING these atrocities to the dictionary.  Seriously?  We can’t get anyone to speak correctly, so we will change the English language?  Reverting back to caveman is right around the corner and we will grunt and throw poop at each other to communicate.  Makes me "tot's cray cray." 

All of this aside, there is one newcomer to the scene that I’m glad to see.  It bugged me at first, but upon further reflection, I realize its positive contribution.  The phrase in question is “SO . . . THAT HAPPENED. . . “ 

Mindfulness.  In one phrase, Eckhart Tolle and all his thoughts about shrinking awareness down to the current moment without judgment or evaluation.  Maybe he was the first to say “that happened . . .” and somehow it caught on with the younger set.

“That happened” removes the need to assess the intrinsic value of every situation.  It wasn’t good or bad, it just happened.  Now I get it, common use of the phrase implies something shocking or usually distasteful, but for someone who is 25, it seems (sweeping generalization ahead ... if you are not of this ilk, it doesn’t apply to you so don’t get offended) EVERYTHING IS DISTASTEFUL.  These days, I have a job because these Gen Y and millenials think ALL THINGS are bothersome and beneath them.  In my office, I often have to pause for a long moment before I find something professional to say . . . like “you are not doing (insert retail outlet here) a favor by coming to work for them.” 

"That happened.”  Let it become your mantra.  Obviously you’re going to have "feels" one way or another about WHAT happened, but practice not getting carried away with them.  “That happened” is about the lost art of acceptance.  There’s nothing we can do about it after it’s already happened.  So wrap your head around it, and start to move on. 

What I see is an enormous amount of effort going into mentally trying to make things UN-HAPPEN.  We roll it around in our heads 400 different ways.  What if I had said this, what if he hadn’t said that?  What if I hadn’t been late that day?  What if I had just checked that door?  There’s an old adage about closing the barn door after the horse has run away.  All those mental gymnastics are just about as effective. 

YOLO, so take all that energy and point it forward?  What if we were to experiment with thinking about changes to make NEXT TIME we get the chance to try?

Dear Mr. Webster:  If I have to accept NEEDS FIXED and the lost art of the double “t” in order for people to embrace fully the art of “THAT HAPPENED,” I guess I’m down with that! 

The Flip Side of Forgiveness: How To Apologize

Here we are on the flip side of forgiveness, in the doorway to relationship repair.  Apology is a lost art in our society, from politicians who earnestly swear that they ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY  DID NOT DO . . . . whatever they have to admit to doing the next day, to our kids who wallop each other in the head and are forced to mutter a snotty "SORRY" through clenched teeth.

Really?  It's not that hard.  Just have to get your head and heart in the right place and realize that you're not giving anything up with an apology, you're taking the high road and setting the bar for the other person to respond in kind. 

Here are a few things to consider in delivering a sincere, and boundaried apology:

1.  Have good self esteem.  As I said in my previous post, you're a good person.  Most of the time, a well-meaning person.  You made a mistake.  If you had, in the moment in question, had the tools to do the right thing, you would have.  Keep in mind that what I mean by "tools to do the right thing" includes things like: 

• Enough inner resources to not have a knee-jerk reaction to be selfish (read:  self-protective), which in today's world many people don't.
• Skills to know what the right thing is, which can be tricky in relationships.  We're not talking about do or do not rob a bank.  This is do or do not tell someone that you don't want to go to their cousin's reindeer dress-up party and instead saying that you have the flu and getting caught not having the flu. 
• Also required is wanting, in the moment, to do the right thing.  Go back and read about your amygdala hijack.  When adrenaline hits your system, you're not using your decision-making skills, you're flying by the reactive, fight-or-flight based seat of your pants.  WANTING to do the right thing comes from your thinking brain which, in that moment, is off-line. 

So good, well-meaning people, present company absolutely included, screw up all the time.  We trip and fall and damage a relationship.  You're still a good person.  You can be a good person who has the skills to fix it.  (AHEM . . . THIS IS NOT A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD.  If you want a relationship, you must learn to act relational-LY even when it's hard.)

2.  Really BE sorry ... not just sorry you got caught, or sorry the other person called you out on being a selfish jerk, or sorry you can't figure out a way to escape responsibility.  If you care about the other person, you naturally feel sorry that your behavior caused them pain.  Or at the very least you feel sorrow that they are hurt.

I'm a literal definition kind of gal, and think it often helps to go back to what a word actually means rather than what it's been watered down to in today's world. Good ol' Merriam Webster says apology is "a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another." It is not an admission of guilt, it has nothing to do with power, and it certainly isn't a one-sided deal. MOST of the time, "FAULT" for any given person is equally divided between the two parties. There is the offender, who gets the finger pointed at him or her, but the offender is often reacting to some equally egregious, but often masked, bad behavior on the part of the other person. Often, people just get into a power struggle over who was wrongEST, and wait the other person out for that apology, all the while building resentment and further damaging the relationship. You can feel sorrow that the other person is hurting AND be aware that you are hurt too. 

Whoever takes a step to try and fix it first, wins.

Frankly, if you're not feeling sorrow that as a result of your behavior someone else is feeling hurt, you shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.  Go to therapy until you have worked on your issues enough to be able to feel empathy and remorse in a healthy way.  There's a word for someone who is INCAPABLE of recognizing the impact their behavior has on others.  Rhymes with "SchmOCIOPATH."  That's another blog.

3.  Be specific.  There's always something in a conflict that you can have sorrow about.  However, oftentimes, people get their feelings hurt when we tell them the truth about something they don't want to hear.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't have said it - sometimes it is important to let someone else be uncomfortable for a while and struggle with an issue.  It takes a LOT of skill in communication to navigate that minefield.  In the meantime, try the following: 

• I'm sad about where our relationship is.  Would you be open to talking about how to fix it? (Yes, MEN, you can say SAD without your gonads falling off)
• I know what I said was hard to hear.  I'm sorry that we're struggling.  I care about you.
• I know it hurt you when I (insert behavior here).  I'm sorry for that.  I hope we can move past it.
• Ooh .... I really blew it didn't I?  I'm sorry (optional hug)
• Look - I don't even really know what to say about what happened.  I just know I care about you, and you matter to me, and I want to fix it. 

4.  Get the message out any way you can.  An apology over text or email is better than no apology at all.  We don't have conflict management skills taught to us, and many people aren't good at it.  Delivering an apology face to face requires not only good communication skills but also good self-esteem, boundaries and limit-setting.  Don't avoid doing the right thing because you're not sure you can handle the aftermath.  Do the right thing, and see what happens.  THEN figure out what comes next.  I edit many client emails for boundaries.  Get a second opinion from someone with good skills.

5.  Be ready to hear the other person's feelings . . . with good boundaries.  You're not a punching bag.  Personal attacks on your integrity aren't ok.  "I'm so hurt by what you did" is different from "You're a selfish jerk."  The question "Why did you do that?" really has no good answer.  Obviously you didn't mean to.  (If you did, you don't belong in a relationship)  Obviously you did it because you couldn't come up with the resources NOT to do it in the moment.  "I don't know" is a cop-out.  The answer is "I really don't have a reason that will make it ok."  Because you don't.  If the tirade goes on and on, ask "what is it that you need to hear from me?"  Often you will get "I need to know you're not going to do it again"  the answer is "I will do my very best."  and mean it.  Now read #6.

6.  Don't do it again.  Apology wears thin after the 16th time.  It starts being less believable.  Relationship involves responsibility; responsibility to be thoughtful and considerate, to not do things that you know will damage the other person either physically or emotionally.  Repeated hurt leaves scars, and often those scars last long after you have parted ways.  If you can't commit to changing your behavior, be honest.  Acknowledge that you aren't willing to make those changes and give the other person the respect to allow them to make an informed decision about the future with or without you.  If you care about the relationship, but can't commit to changing the behavior, get help.  FAST. 

7.  NO BUTS.  YOUR behavior is YOUR responsibility.  Barring physical violence, there is NO behavior on the part of the other person that CAUSES you to act out.  DO NOT use an apology to call for change in the other person (as in "I'm sorry BUT IF YOU DIDN'T . . . THEN I WOULDN'T . . . ).  Apologize for your part of the problem and leave it hanging there in the silence.  Doing so creates healthy pressure on the other person to take responsibility for THEIR part of the problem.  They may.  They may not.  This isn't the time to demand an apology in return.  Most of the time, if you genuinely change the problematic behavior, it upsets the (unhealthy) pattern in the relationship in a way that makes it impossible for the other person to continue their own hurtful ways without feeling like a jerk.  This is where you can just let them marinate in the knowledge that it is their turn to make some changes.  Enjoy it.  You lose all the impact if you give them the answers.  It's healthy manipulation.  I like to say I have a job tricking people into doing healthy things despite their best efforts.  It's fun. 

Ten Most Beautiful Quotes on Forgiveness

Timely, I thought.  Brought to you through the miracle of Facebook. 

"Ten Most Beautiful Quotes on Forgiveness"

Apology: The flip side of forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a crowbar, a battering ram or a bargaining chip.  If you’ve screwed up, forgiveness is not a right or a demand. 

Let me give you a helpful piece of advice.  If you care about a relationship, the MOMENT you realize you blew it, RUN, don't walk - race as fast as you can to the relationship repair department and start taking steps to fix it. 

I always talk about maintaining good self esteem in relationship, so I don’t want you to lie prostrate on the floor while moaning "mea culpa, mea culpa."  Let’s have some dignity here.  You’re a good person.  You made a mistake.  If you could have figured out how to do the right thing in the moment you would have.  Lots of factors come into play there, including being more or less interested in doing the right thing in the moment. 

One of the most disabling disservices we do our children in this society is to not teach them how to screw up and recover.  We teach them to screw up and hide it, to screw up and give 100 reasons why it wasn’t REALLY their fault, to screw up and accept being berated and shamed in a manner out of proportion to the seriousness of the screw up, but we don’t teach kids how to deal with the unavoidable situation in which either knowingly or unknowingly we have hurt another person. 

The funny thing is, we have an easier time apologizing to strangers.  I did it this morning on my way to my plane (yep.  That’s why I’m writing.  I am stuck in a plane!)  I heard a chuckle behind me, and the guy said “I’m trying to pass you and you’re just all over the place!”  First words out of my mouth?  “I'm sorry!”  It’s habit.  And it’s not a lie.  I was totally in my own little world, daydreaming about my upcoming VACATION and not paying attention to anyone else on the planet.  I didn’t do it on purpose, but I impeded someone else’s progress with my (albeit unknowing) self-centered lack of awareness of my relationship to other travelers.  Apology was easy, as was having a short conversation with this total stranger who was apparently rushing back to Ohio.  We had a nice relationship.  It was short, but pleasant.  We even worked through conflict in a positive way.  A lot happened in that 5 minutes.  Our relationship ended abruptly, but I’m OK. 

We grow up being made to apologize for things we aren't sorry for, that really weren't WRONG in the first place.  I VIVIDLY remember being forced to go to the door of my next door neighbor (I was probably 6 or 7 at the time) and apologize for picking peaches up off the ground, and subsequently from the tree that was technically the neighbor's but halfway in our yard, and from which the neighbors NEVER picked peaches.  In fact I remember hearing MANY complaints about the peaches rotting on the ground.  Yet myself and my two neighbor-friends were trotted to the front door and made to spit out an apology.  It made no sense to me.

I heard a story once of a kid who was being picked at by his older brother and when he had finally had enough, picked up a pencil and stabbed the offending kid in the hand (No one died of lead poisoning . . . not even sure there was a band-aid required).  The mother, horrified, asked "DOES IT MAKE YOUR HEART FEEL GOOD TO HURT YOUR BROTHER???"  And at that moment, the youngster replied absolutely honestly "YES."  Gotta love that kid.

I don't make my kids apologize.  I thought long and hard about this one.  I don't make them say "I'm sorry," especially when I know darn good and well they aren't.  I think that teaches kids to be disingenuous and frankly, to lie.  Instead, I force my children to say "It was wrong for me to (whatever they did)."  I used to make them add "and I won't do it again."  But I stopped because everyone in the room knew they would.  I also make my kids write lines and/or paragraphs about their offenses, but that's another blog.
 

"I'm sorry" should mean "I am experiencing sorrow that I didn't pull my self-centered head out of my clueless ass quickly enough to avoid damaging our relationship."  Instead what it usually means is "don't hold me accountable," or "I'm sorry you aren't tough enough to take it."  I generally don't say "I'm sorry."  But I will speak volumes about recognizing that a relationship is damaged and expressing my desire to repair that damage. 

We all trip and fall and act like jerks once in a while.  Know who I apologize to and own up to my behavior with most?  My kids.  First of all because I screw up with them most frequently.  They get the dregs of me and have to deal with it when my head falls off and I fall back into old patterns of drill-sergeant parenting.  But secondly, and I think most important, because I want them to know how to make mistakes and still feel good about themselves while having an expectation that the other person will recognize a g


enuine effort and accept the apology. 

Forgiveness: Door Mat to Door Master (Part 2)

I LOVE this guy!! 
photo by Imagerymajestic

And returning to the idea of Forgiveness ...
You may be reading these posts and thinking I'm Pollyanna-crazy. 

"That works just fine in fantasyland," you might say, "but in MY world, there is no way I could go to this person and talk to them about our conflict!"  Yep.  That happens.  What if you have absolutely no expectation that the person can deal with you in anything resembling a healthy way?  What if you've tried to talk to that person and they absolutely refuse to come to the table to work on a compromise?

Forgive anyway.  Write it off.  Let it go (With or without singing the "Frozen" song).   

Do not let that person control you with their refusal to acknowledge fault or even that they might have hurt you inadvertently.  Do not give them power over you by letting them make you nervous that you might run into them at a family function or at the grocery store.  Stand right up and be relaxed about it.  After all, THEY are the one that should be uncomfortable.

Own your boundaries. 

What if they come to Christmas Dinner?  So what.  Be pleasant.  Be polite.  Be generous, and wish them the same happy holiday you would wish the bell-ringer at Wal-Mart who is a total stranger.  Genuinely wish that Bob has a pleasant time.  Because that will make him a healthier person for you to deal with in the long run.  Don't let fear that being nice to them somehow makes you vulnerable turn you into a crunchy, cranky, uncomfortable version of yourself.  BE YOU.  Smile.  Say "Hi Bob."  Let Bob squirm.  Because let me tell you, unless Bob is truly clueless, he is ready for the fight.  He's ready for you to let him have it and give you his pre-prepared defenses.  When you don't give it to him (and this applies equally to Barbara), he is off-guard.  He is wondering what happened.  He is uncomfortable.  Because now, he has to let go if whatever grudge or anticipated conflict he made up too, or at least wonder when you will lower the boom.  Who has the power now?  That's right.  You do.  Because at the end of the day, no one will have anything to say about it because you didn't act like a jerk and give Bob the opportunity to play the victim.

What if Bob thinks he's off the hook?  What if he thinks you've forgotten his evil deeds, or given him a get-out-of-jail-free card?  WHO CARES.  We're talking about YOUR emotional well-being here.  If Bob labors under the misperception that he's off the hook, you can set him straight if and when he tries to engage you on a deeper level.  Then?  Step up with the limits to clarify your boundaries.  (See previous post)  Until that moment?  Think of yourself as gloriously, blissfully IMMUNE to Bob and his narcissistic short-sightedness.  Karma, as they say, is a bitch.  Bob will get his.

Don't let someone else's unhealthiness drag you down.  If a person is unwilling to mend a relationship, the relationship isn't worth mending.  You're not missing THAT relationship.  You're missing the fantasyland picture of the relationship you have in your head that doesn't exist anymore.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again, all the while feeling GREAT about the fact that you rose above the petty BS that gives me job security. 

Bask in it.  Wallow just a little, if you will, in the knowledge that you didn't participate in the passion play that erodes human relationship.  Shoot me an email and tell me about it.  I will be proud of you.