LISTEN UP SCHOOLS

Reprinted with permission from the 12 year old student who wrote this upon becoming overwhelmed at school.  It was journaled on a school computer, which flagged some of the words in the letter.  The writer was called in to the office and questioned (appropriately) about their safety and whether this person knew specifically of other students who were in danger.  The thing is, no one addressed what this person wrote.  No one said "we get it" or "you're right."  

Dear writer.  You're right, you're awesome, and you deserve to be heard.  :)
                                                                                                                                               

To whom it may concern,

This has to stop. 

I know, you don't care about anything other than numbers. So let this number take her shape. I am 48673921. My father knows me as …………. ……………... My friends know me as …………. But all that matters to you is my number. Number, last name, first name. That's all I am. That's all I ever will be. You don't care about the fact that my arm is scarred because of you. You don't care that because of what you do I could be dead today. All I am is test scores and a number. Not my family. Not my life. Not the fact that I cry myself to sleep at night. The only reason you would care is if my scores are terrible, or perfect. You don't notice that people avoid eating because others insult their weight. You don't care if someone goes home and swallows pill, after pill, after pill, in an effort to kill themselves. 

You don't care. 

You don't change. 

You say you care when you give kids counselors at school and a peppermint or two for a test that hasn't been proven to help anyone in anything. Tell them to eat or sleep. You don't really care. You tell kids to sleep, but don't care about the fact that they can't for fear of failing. Tell them to study, but also tell them to go to bed early. 

Go ahead and write me off, just like you always want to do. Claim children have freedom, have choice, as you turn away from them pleading, begging for change. Say they don't get to decide. But I won't give up. While you shove textbooks and facts down my throat, I can force cold, hard truth into your minds. You tell me to read about food famines, and I can tell you about children with bounties of food turning themselves into skeletons. People cutting their wrists with scissors, scratching themselves raw. Going to school even though they feel sick with anxiety  because mental illness is suffocating them.

You just don't get it, do you? You don't get that children deserve to have a say in their education, not their parents, not the President, them. The kids to slit their wrists because of you. Lots of this is your fault. Accept it. Do something before another child gets hurt because of you. Get angry at kids who need to have something to do when they draw in class. Then ask why they hate themselves. Why they disobey you and wind up drawing a noose, wishing you could take it from the paper and leave the world because you're nothing but a worthless failure. The grades can call kids a failure, or unsatisfactory. Then you question why kids can't bear to stay on the planet. Then kids wind up turning so much as an A- into the message: "You stupid, stupid kid, why do you think you can do anything right, what made you think you were anything but a failure." 

Answer honestly: How does it feel to have blood on your hands?

How does it feel to know that because of your ignorance, kids have scars?

How does it feel to hear that because you refuse to take action, your precious little numbers cry themselves to sleep at night?

How does it feel for a kid to tell you this?

Judging by the fact that there hasn't been a change the children have selected so much as once, you don't care.

As long as you get your straight A numbers, you don't care.

As long as you get some perfect people, you don't mind a few deaths on your hands. 

Show that you care. Change things. Or people will die. It isn't a kid whining because of homework. This is a kid stating that if you don't do anything, people will continue to harm themselves. To cry themselves to sleep. To attempt suicide. It's time to do something. People claim slavery is over, racism is mostly at an end. But it won't be until you give children the right to decide their fates. The chance to choose their rights. I'm not saying kids need the chance to vote for the President, but for the chance to pick their rights. Otherwise you may as well tell children that they don't matter.

I know you won't listen. But I won't surrender. Open your eyes. I don't care if you send me off to a mental hospital because of things I do and feel. I'm just sick of seeing the hurt you cause without even batting an eye.

Sincerely, 

48673921

Forgiveness: Door Mat to Door Master (Part 2)

I LOVE this guy!! 
photo by Imagerymajestic

And returning to the idea of Forgiveness ...
You may be reading these posts and thinking I'm Pollyanna-crazy. 

"That works just fine in fantasyland," you might say, "but in MY world, there is no way I could go to this person and talk to them about our conflict!"  Yep.  That happens.  What if you have absolutely no expectation that the person can deal with you in anything resembling a healthy way?  What if you've tried to talk to that person and they absolutely refuse to come to the table to work on a compromise?

Forgive anyway.  Write it off.  Let it go (With or without singing the "Frozen" song).   

Do not let that person control you with their refusal to acknowledge fault or even that they might have hurt you inadvertently.  Do not give them power over you by letting them make you nervous that you might run into them at a family function or at the grocery store.  Stand right up and be relaxed about it.  After all, THEY are the one that should be uncomfortable.

Own your boundaries. 

What if they come to Christmas Dinner?  So what.  Be pleasant.  Be polite.  Be generous, and wish them the same happy holiday you would wish the bell-ringer at Wal-Mart who is a total stranger.  Genuinely wish that Bob has a pleasant time.  Because that will make him a healthier person for you to deal with in the long run.  Don't let fear that being nice to them somehow makes you vulnerable turn you into a crunchy, cranky, uncomfortable version of yourself.  BE YOU.  Smile.  Say "Hi Bob."  Let Bob squirm.  Because let me tell you, unless Bob is truly clueless, he is ready for the fight.  He's ready for you to let him have it and give you his pre-prepared defenses.  When you don't give it to him (and this applies equally to Barbara), he is off-guard.  He is wondering what happened.  He is uncomfortable.  Because now, he has to let go if whatever grudge or anticipated conflict he made up too, or at least wonder when you will lower the boom.  Who has the power now?  That's right.  You do.  Because at the end of the day, no one will have anything to say about it because you didn't act like a jerk and give Bob the opportunity to play the victim.

What if Bob thinks he's off the hook?  What if he thinks you've forgotten his evil deeds, or given him a get-out-of-jail-free card?  WHO CARES.  We're talking about YOUR emotional well-being here.  If Bob labors under the misperception that he's off the hook, you can set him straight if and when he tries to engage you on a deeper level.  Then?  Step up with the limits to clarify your boundaries.  (See previous post)  Until that moment?  Think of yourself as gloriously, blissfully IMMUNE to Bob and his narcissistic short-sightedness.  Karma, as they say, is a bitch.  Bob will get his.

Don't let someone else's unhealthiness drag you down.  If a person is unwilling to mend a relationship, the relationship isn't worth mending.  You're not missing THAT relationship.  You're missing the fantasyland picture of the relationship you have in your head that doesn't exist anymore.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again, all the while feeling GREAT about the fact that you rose above the petty BS that gives me job security. 

Bask in it.  Wallow just a little, if you will, in the knowledge that you didn't participate in the passion play that erodes human relationship.  Shoot me an email and tell me about it.  I will be proud of you.   

Thankful ... MORE OR LESS.

Well, here we are, all stuffed with Turkey and nursing the aftermath of over indulgences of one kind or another (#pie).  I wrote this blog in my head yesterday, but never had a chance to put it in a format that was accessible to anyone else. 

Thanksgiving.  We are long past the idyllic days of old where tables were set in the school hallways, covered with brown butcher paper, and adorned with turkeys made from tracings of our hands while we wore pilgrim hats or Indian bonnets made from construction paper.  Now we must face reality.  The Pilgrims were horrible, malicious marauders who forced the hapless Indians ... wait - Native Americans, no FIRST Americans ... anyway, those nasty Pilgrims (can we still call them pilgrims??) ... oh who cares.  Let's just forget history altogether because someone will get their feelings hurt and goodness knows we can't have THAT.  Besides.  The stuff we would eat at those feasts wasn't gluten free, bought from a store or had a label.  I'm not sure how we survived.  Anyway, Sorry kids, no more cool fringed Indian outfits made out of paper grocery bags.  Let's do some MATH.   

Yet we persevere ... each year at this time, we briefly take a time-out from bashing each other on facebook, waving our arms about the injustice of forcing those poor people to work on Black Friday ... or waving our arms about the people who wave their arms about the injustice ... I can't keep track ... and get around a table with people we may or may not like.  It's all well and good for those who have some sort of Normal Rockwell experience, but what about people in the thick of it?

It's hard to hear about being thankful when all you can see is what is going wrong. 

Human brains are hard-wired to pay attention to problems.  In 20 years as a therapist, not one person has ever reported to me that they are obsessed with thoughts of how GREAT things are, and how WELL things are going.  "I keep thinking about how AWESOME my life is.  I can't get anything else done!  I can't work, I can't sleep, all I do all day is think about all the things I'm GRATEFUL for!!  Can you help me with this?"  Said no one, ever.  And if they did, I would immediately start screening for mania.  That's just not the way things work.

Life is HARD these days.  That is just fact.  If you're not struggling, congratulations.  If the little bubble you live in is intact, good for you.  If you manage to be untouched by the horrors and tragedies in the everyday lives of so many people, I mean beyond the sympathetic "oh golly, isn't that AWFUL???  Those poor people!  BLESS THEIR HEARTS . . . " then it's easy to find things to be thankful for and let that gratitude just ooze from your pores.  There's your thankful right there.  In my humble opinion, you now have a responsibility to get out of your bubble and go help someone. 

We DO have things to be grateful for.  We may not have as much money as we want, but we did get to take that vacation 2 years ago . . . .and maybe there's no money for vacation, but we have a home and enough food .... or maybe there's not home and food, but we have our health ... or maybe we don't have health, a home, any family, or like a family in a small Texas town where my high school BFF lives, maybe they lost 5 of 6 kids in one terrible night.  Harder to find gratitude in times like that.

We have the platitudes.  "God is in control," "Everything happens for a reason"  "Yes, you lost both your legs, but aren't you super excited you still have arms???"  Reality??  Those things bring little comfort when you're grieving a loss, or wondering how you will pay your medical bills, or how you're going to afford the new"affordable" healthcare plans with double the premiums and half the benefits.  In those times, brains believe that the way to solve a problem is to think about it.  A lot.  And brains fight us when we try to take a break from balancing the checkbook ONE MORE TIME to see if we missed something somewhere and indeed things are going to be all right.  Replay the tragedy ONE MORE TIME to try to find a way to make it un-happen.  Brains don't know that solutions aren't easy these days.  Brains keep trying.   

In those times, gratitude helps us find balance, yes, but it is unreasonable to think that some goofy gratitude journal will somehow take the sting out of losing 5 kids.  So if you're one of the millions out there who are finding it hard to maintain an "attitude of gratitude," take heart.  You can still get through the holidays.

1.  It's OK to say no.  Evaluate whether social gatherings are helpful.  Sometimes it's like getting over a speed bump.  Once you get there, you actually do feel better for a while.  If that is the case, persevere through the speed bump.  Sometimes a good enough reason to do something that will be difficult is that you know that later when you're feeling better you'll wish you had.  You can go to a gathering, and then beg out after an hour too.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tell them to call me.  I will explain it to them.  Conversely, don't be a hermit if feeling alone is the problem, and BEING alone makes it worse.  Spend time with people who feed your soul, even if those are total strangers in a coffee shop and you never say one word to them.  Shared experience is healing. 

2.  Self Care.  Do things that make you feel better.  Get the responsibilities taken care of, yes, but otherwise get enough sleep, don't OVERindulge in vices (my favorites include peppermint ice cream and red wine).  Go to the dollar store and get one of those massager roller thingies and use it on those shoulders that are tired from carrying the weight of the world.  Go sit in the massage chairs at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Those things are AWESOME.  Paint your toenails.  Here's Someone else's cool list.  

3.  Don't be a Grinch. If you can't go out and have fun, stay home and have fun.  Go to a movie and escape reality for a while.  Yes, even by yourself.  No one is looking at you.  They are way too wrapped up in themselves.  Don't expect the whole world to slow down because you're struggling.  Many people are having fun this time of year.  It isn't a personal insult when others are happy. 

4.  Don't Mope.  Taking time to rest and regroup is one thing, out and out wallowing in self-pity is another.  Now don't get me wrong, having a good wallow has its time and place, but healthy wallowing is time-limited, and while you're wallowing you know you will stop in a while and resume problem solving.  Trying not to acknowledge things that are going wrong is like trying not to breathe.  We are humans.  But we are at the top of the food chain because we can think about the future and plan for things.  Do it. 

5.  Give back.  This does really help.  Find a charity and go volunteer, if you have the time.  If anxiety, or a crazy schedule keeps you from going to a soup kitchen, donate a coat.  Or mittens.  Or something.  Bake cookies for a military unit overseas.  Go read to someone at a nursing home.  Give back with the click of your mouse.  Shovel your neighbor's walkway and let them wonder who did it.  Or heck, just send a nice card to someone you know. 

 6.  Look to the future with at least one squinty, jaded eye.  It won't suck forever.  If you're going to think about how bad things are, spend some time making plans or taking action that will make it better.  Get a better job.  Ask for help.  Join a support group.  Read a book on whatever you're struggling with.  Pick ONE THING that might make a difference and do it.  Feng Shui says if you simply MOVE 20 items in your home, it will release stuck energy.  So re-arrange that living room!!

Most of all, hang in there.  34 days till January 2.  You can make it till then.  After that, the lights come down and we get busy forgetting our New Year's resolutions and hunkering down to get ready for taxes, and everyone is grumpy again.  :)

Forgiveness: 4 steps from Door Mat to Door Master

Once you’ve wrapped your heart around forgiveness, you come face to face with the very human instinct to avoid that which causes us pain. It makes sense to stay away from toxic relationships. No one can fault you from keeping distance with someone who is a repeated source of relational chaos.

The easy thing is to just summarily cut the person off. To slam and deadbolt that door and to stop giving them the chance to hurt us by making sure they aren’t within striking distance. How much we need to involve the other person in the process of forgiveness and relational repair depends on how important the connection is to you.

Close personal relationships are a little more challenging than the guy who flips you off in traffic. These aren’t throw away people with zero impact on your life, this is the meat and potatoes of our relational selves. I think the biggest thing that gets in the way of relationship is our inability to manage and tolerate conflict. We either go over the top into grandiosity and self-riteousness or shrink away like WE did something wrong. Somewhere along the way we learned as a society that we should never make anyone uncomfortable. We’ve taken it too far. Feeling uncomfortable is important in maintaining relationship because ideally, it keeps us from acting like jerks.

So. Step 1, gather up your best assertiveness and conflict management skills. (Note to self, write about conflict management skills) Have an awareness of your ability to protect your boundaries by setting and holding limits. Say to yourself “however this turns out, I can handle it.”

Step 2: GO TO THE PERSON YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH. NOT TO SOMEONE (or several someones) ELSE. Even the bible backs me up here. I’m out on the whole get your pastor involved approach if the one on one goes south, but I’m all over the idea of dealing with things directly. Use assertive language, I statements, and good boundaries. Stay in your own energetic space. Address what HAPPENED, rather than your armchair psychologist assumptions about the motivations behind what happened. This sounds like “I care about our relationship and I’m struggling with getting past how hurt I am about some of the things you said to me yesterday,” or “I’m having a hard time wanting to make plans with you because the last 4 times we were supposed to meet you either didn’t show up or cancelled at the last minute, and I’m feeling disrespected,” not “you can’t treat me like that, you’re an idiot and you need to stop being a jerk.”

Offer concrete solutions for how you would like to resolve the situation, up to and including specific words you would like to hear the person say, if that’s the way it is in your head. “You know Bob, what I need to hear you say is that you understand how your words/actions impacted me, and that it matters to you how I feel.”

There’s a great deal of debate about how to deliver this message. In a nutshell, here’s my 2 cents. ANY WAY YOU CAN. If you have the relationship skills to have a sit-down with the person, keep your wits about you and look them right in the eye, that’s awesome. Most of us don’t. Most of us get overwhelmed and emotionally flooded in the face of conflict and will pull out our less-than-helpful communication habits (see amygdala hijack and how the part of your brain where you store all those awesome relationship and communication skills is more or less locked out when you’ve got adrenalilne running through your system). Secondly, face to face conversations can feel like a blitz attack to the other person and set up some defensiveness right from the get go. For my money? Pick up a piece of paper and a pen. Write words. I think email is a completely acceptable option. Text. Send the message by carrier pigeon if you have to, but GET IT OUT THERE. Keeping it inside your head fosters resentment and impedes forgiveness.

Step 3: Wait to see what happens. Don’t play the big fight over and over in your head. Don’t rehearse all the nasty biting sarcastic comments you could possibly make. If you’re going to practice for the other person going on the offensive and waging an attack, prepare for level 2 de-escalation which sounds like “hey – hold on – I’m not attacking you. I care about our relationship enough to come to you and try to work this out between us. You’re a good person. I know that. I want you in my life. Can we talk about it?” Yep. I know. This flies in the face of everything we have learned from TV and movies. Please refer to my future best-selling self-help book entitled“Being healthy is really boring.” No one makes movies about GOOD communication. There’s no crisis. No opportunity for denoument and the swell of violin music. There used to be this series of greeting cards with a couple little ants having a conversation. One ant said “forget your troubles” and the other one said “ok.” Now that’s brief therapy!

Step 4: LET GO. Communication about conflict has one of two possible outcomes. Either the relationship continues or it doesn’t. If the relationship continues, stop beating a dead horse. Don’t beat the other person with it either. Don’t lay in wait for them to offend again. It’s human nature when we’ve been hurt to feel a little guarded. Own it. This might sound like “I know I’m a little guarded. I’m working on it. Thanks for your patience with me.” (note to self: write article about how to respond to this statement) It does NOT sound like accusing the person of offending in the FUTURE. “Oh yeah the moment I let my guard down you’ll just do it again.” If you’re in that corner and won’t get out of it, leave the relationship. You’re done.

If you’ve gone through level 1 and 2 of respectful resolution and the other person just isn’t getting it – they blame you, they don’t even admit what happened, or they justify their behavior and maintain their defensive and angry position, you might need to limit your interactions with this person. But with forgiveness. Not “I can’t deal with him” or “she’s just a toxic person.” With an understanding that whatever is going on for that person right then, they weren’t able to come to the table and work it out. It’s not a commentary on your worth as a person. It’s not an attack or an insult. It’s sad. It’s a shame. Shake the dust off your feet and move on, energetically wishing the person well and keeping the door cracked open just in case they read my next blog on the flip side of forgiveness. Don’t expect Francis Ford Coppola to come knocking at your door for the screen rights. It won’t be dramatic enough. Grieve. Accept. Move on.

“This is the way the world ends – not with a bang, but a whimper.” - TS Eliot 
 

5 Myths About Forgiveness

What's all this business about forgiveness?  Doesn't that mean we walk around as human doormats?  Powerless victims over those who are more willing to act out their self-centered, myopic agendas?  Nope. 

Forgiveness is as much (if not more) about what you’re going to carry around with you as it is about how you handle the other person.  When we forgive, we let go of the resentment that eats away at our ability to be peaceful in the world. 

Myth 1. The other person has to apologize for me to forgive them.  This is a nice theory, and it is easier when someone owns their own behavior, but reality is that most people don't know how to apologize.  They know how to slink around, lay blame, avoid you, be defensive and give you 45 reasons why you shouldn't hold them accountable . . . but they don't know how to apologize.

More often than not, someone's bad behavior has less to do with you than it does with their own insecurity and lack of relationship skill. When you know that, you can forgive, knowing that there WAS a reason for whatever offense was committed, and that the reason probably had very little to do with you personally. You can realize that the other person is doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment ... and that you don’t have to be a punching bag. You have compassion for whatever pain they must be experiencing to make it seem acceptable to behave the way they are, and you LET IT GO. You don’t stew about it, or play nasty conversations over and over in your head. You don’t form a committee of your 76 closest friends to make sure they are on your side. You don’t put it on facebook, you don’t text nasty messages. You don’t turn and walk the other way to avoid the person at church. You stop insiting that they change their behavior, and you change yours. 

Myth 2.  Forgiveness comes after a big, dramatic confrontation worthy of an Oscar nomination.
Sometimes, you can pull off forgiveness without involving the other party at all.This rarely works if the relationship in question is a close one, so keep reading for tips on how to appropriately confront and ask for an apology if one is not forthcoming.  However, there are situations in which it isn't possible to get resolution, or where the attempt to get resolution is likely to turn out poorly.   If you’ve been treated poorly by a fellow driver on the highway, for example, odds are this isn’t a relationship you’re going to nurture and depend on. So someone swerves in front of you AND flips you off. Smile. Wave. And for the rest of the day instead of thinking how dare that JERK disrespect you and running through the list of searing insults you would be happy to deliver, energetically wish that person peace as you smile and wave. Energetically understand that they’re insecure and scared inside if they need to be that outwardly aggressive and hope for them that they have the opportunity to heal. Take the opportunity to reflect on how thankful you are that you’re secure enough in yourself to not need to be a jerk in return just to show that total stranger that you won’t stand for being treated like that by golly. Let it go. Notice how much less it takes a bite out of your mood. In 5 minutes you won’t even remember it happened. Similar skills apply with someone you think won't respond positively to an attempt to work it out and you decide it isn't worth your time.  And if it is really that hard to not flip off some jerk driver, or make a nasty comment to the server/customer service person? Take a good look in the mirror at your own insecurities and low self-esteem. 

Myth 3.  Holding a grudge is the same as boundaries.  Boundaries are often confused with WALLS.  Forgiveness REQUIRES good boundaries.  It means that you no longer have to avoid a person or be mad at them because you know that if it gets uncomfortable, you can handle the situation with grace.  You can set limits, including limiting how much access the person has to you.  Including whether or not to be around that person.  The difference is whether or not you have to skip Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's because your sister will be there, and whether or not you feel uncomfortable about being there.  Good boundaries mean you go, and you feel fine.  If it goes south, you can make choices about it, up to and including leaving the scene. 

Myth 4.  Forgiving someone makes you a doormat
Forgiving someone does not give them power over you.  It means that you’re not going to give the situation power OVER YOU and let it ruin your day.  Forgiveness is the energy with which you set limits.  Kind, loving, and sometimes sad limits, as in “I’m ending our relationship because I can no longer be around you AND be respectful to myself.” Forgiveness is not a “get out of jail free” card for the offender.It is an opportunity – a partially open door– for relationship repair and growth.  Anyone who demands forgiveness is avioding responsibility.  No one DESERVES forgiveness. True Forgiveness is a gift.  Continued relationship depends on what happens next.

Myth 5.  Forgiving someone lets them off the hook.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean their behavior acceptable. It doesn’t mean you condone or accept what they did.  It also does not mean the door is open for that person to continue to treat you badly.  Forgiveness just means that you're not going to carry around a grudge about the LAST event, and that if you continue to be around that person, you will treat them with kind limits, and protect your boundaries.  You will not let their acting like a jerk lead you to act like a jerk.  Take the high road. 

But how do you forgive and still have expectations?  Aren’t those opposites?

I don’t think so.   Stay tuned.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Hi, my name is Karen . . . I recently made it 3 days without a Diet Coke. 

This may not seem a significant achievement for many of you, but Diet Coke is the absolute bane of my existence.  I'm a hard core addict.   I have a collection of international Diet Coke cans.  I have one that I brought back from Italy. Then when I went to visit my sister in Germany, one of the highlights of the trip was a jaunt into France (!!!!!) where my brother in law found me a French Diet Coke to keep my German Diet Coke company on the trip back to the states.

This is what 4000 gallons looks like. 

  I started drinking Diet Coke in college.  Since then, I figure I have probably averaged about 2 of them a day for the past 20 years.  Now, this is a rough estimate, but I imagine that my unrestrained intake in the earlier years is compensated for by the "one a day" years.  I feel fairly confident in the realization that I have consumed close to 4,000 gallons of the stuff.  Holy Cow. 

Last week, (ok 3 weeks ago now, since I got sidetracked from my blogging) I attended a lecture given by Bill Kelley of Dartmouth University entitled "How the Brain Forms New Habits:  Why Willpower isn't Enough" or something like that.  I commented to my colleague as I sipped my post-lunch Diet Coke that no doubt by the end of the day I would have all the tools I needed to kick the habit, and so he should take a picture of my very last Diet Coke.  He's a psychologist.  He didn't take a picture.  I did learn more about him in the few minutes we chatted during the breaks than I have in 13 years of sharing office space, which I find fascinating. 

During this lecture, I learned several things:
First, I have learned a lot about neuropsychology in the last couple of years.  I remember vividly attending a lecture with Dr. John Arden a few years back and taking (not kidding) over 40 pages of notes. I just love this stuff.  It was kind of neat to recognize a lot of the information presented last week as "stuff I already know." 

Yay pairing Diet Coke with strong
man hands.  No that doesn't strengthen
the connection at all.

More important, I learned about the workings of Dopamine as a chemical motivator in the brain, and its role in the formation of habits.  I learned that Dopamine has nothing to do with how much you like something, but rather with how rewarding it is to your system.  Rewarding doesn't always mean "YAY THAT MAKES ME FEEL GREAT!" either.  It is rewarding, for example, when my kids turn the Wii on, and it makes that crazy dinging sound at an amazingly loud volume no matter what the actual volume of the TV is.  I holler "TURN THAT THING DOWN!!!" which I don't think they really have to do but they appease me anyway and the dinging stops.  That's rewarding.  The same way that Pavlov's dog salivated to the ringing of a bell once upon a time.  The cue (the bell) has nothing to do with the response (salivation).  But drool the dog did. 

Strategy:  Stop calling it Diet Coke and
start calling it by its given name.

So, the first time you experience something, and it's rewarding, you get a little bump of Dopamine in your brain that says "ooh.  do that again."  From then on, the dopamine bump comes from the CUE - just the THOUGHT of Diet Coke makes me want to do it again.  Then for extra added fun, consider this:  dopamine production is of course the common denominator in all drugs of addiction . . . including sugar and caffeine.  So your brain says "ooh.  do that EVEN MORE."  It doesn't even matter if you enjoyed it.  The chemical reaction taking place without your conscious knowledge or permission strengthens the habit.

Oh.  And in writing this article I found a blurb that part of the chemical reaction in processing phenylwhateveritisamine creates L-Tyrosine . . . which is a vitamin you can BUY that's supposed to help with stress.  So I get the dopamine bump with the cue.  And another dopamine bump with the caffeine and sugar.  Then until today I've always thought that "Diet Coke makes me feel less stressed" was all in my head.  It's not.  It's the triple threat.  Unfortunately, I have this pesky obsession with healthy living, and don't want to live my life from one chemical to another.  How come broccoli can't do all that stuff right that very instant??? 

So I get cues . . . like . . . morning.  Gas stations.  Eating food.  Being tired at work.  Driving.  All of which have been associated in my little brain at some point with the amazing deliciousness of Diet Coke.  Which no doubt in addition to caffeine and "sugar free" sugar which my body reads as REEEEEEEEEAALLY sweet sugar, contains traces of crack.  All of which stimulate the production of Dopamine. 

No wonder it's so hard to give the stuff up.  I once asked my amazing therapist if she could hypnotize me to believe that Diet Coke was really disgusting.  Like dog poop.  She said no. 

So we're back to will power.  I KNOW my goal is to ingest less and less of this nasty stuff.  None would be AWESOME.  I've tried setting rules for myself, like I can only have Diet Coke on Fridays, or only when I go through the drive through when I'm in a hurry.  I don't keep it at home.  Ever.  If I am at home and want one, I have to put on shoes, load up my kids, and drive "in to town" to get one.  This is a deterrent, but sometimes not enough of one. 

I do ok for a couple of days.  I carefully monitor my self-talk and support myself in driving to work without stopping to buy one.  I set myself up for success by making a wonderful jug of hot tea before I leave the house, so I have something to drink on the way in to work. 

But then life kicks in.  Sometimes I'm tired.  And the reality is, when I'm sitting in my office seeing client after client after client after client . . . my brain gets a little fuzzy and a Diet Coke honestly does help.  So I try substituting.  Coffee, tea, even tried caffeine pills.  But sometimes I want something a little sweet . . . so I keep fruit in the office. 

All this stuff takes effort.  And when I'm already depleted because I didn't get enough sleep, and my kids were hellac  - shall we say less than cooperative - that morning, and I'm swamped with trying to be the kind of therapist I want to be to both the clients IN my office and the ones who are having an unscheduled rotten day and need some extra support . . . sometimes it's just easier to stop at the gas station and give myself a treat that takes zero effort, makes me feel GREAT within minutes, and is an opportunity to say YES to myself when the NO list piles up too high.  And my addiction is back on in full force.  Let me just say out loud that as I listen to my "addict" clients, it has not escaped me that their behaviors around their substance of choice are NO different than my behaviors around Diet Coke and chocolate. 

So what am I going to do about this? 

Strategy:  post this picture on the mirror in my bathroom. 
And the dash in my car.
And my office.
Heck.  Maybe a tattoo. 

1. IDENTIFY what my body is trying to tell me with the craving.  For example, craving chocolate can be a sign of magnesium deficiency.  Pretty sure craving Diet Coke is a sign of a sleep and rest deficiency.  I have a bottle of L-Tyrosine at home.  I'm going to start actually taking this supplement and see if my Diet Coke cravings diminish. 
2. PRACTICE the positive behavior I want to do:  I will start picturing NOT drinking a Diet Coke, and pairing it in my mind with things like a healthy pancreas, healthy body, healthy life.  When I DON'T drink one, pat myself on the back and say "Look At YOU!!!"Now if I could just figure out how to make man hands a part of that visualization . . .  but I digress.
3. SUBSTITUTE for the habitual behavior: I will continue make tea for myself so I have something to drink in the car.
4. SAY YES:  I will give my body what it's asking for in healthier ways instead of creating more deprivation:  I'm going to nurture myself in other ways whenever I can so I don't feel so depleted.  At work, if I reallly am struggling, getting caffeine and a little something sweet from a healthier source.  Coffee has way fewer chemicals than Diet Coke, and I like it kindof watered down.
5. BREAK the habit:  I'm going to white-knuckle it past the gas station and tell myself all the reasons I don't need a Diet Coke and remind myself that I won't still be craving it in 5 minutes. 
6. REWARD myself for successes AT LEAST as much as I beat myself up for "failures."  I'm going to congratulate myself for making it 3 days before I relapsed. 
7. REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS for progress:  I'm going to recognize that kicking a habit is HARD, whether it is smoking, Diet Coke, stress eating, exercise or crack - and I'm tired.  I have a more than full time job and 2 amazing more than full time kids.  Not that "falling off the wagon" after 3 days is acceptable, but it is better than never getting on the wagon in the first place. 

And yes, I drank a Diet Coke while writing this. 

Apparently, I'm allergic to help.

A friend of mine recently noticed that I am, as she so kindly put it, "allergic to help." 

I have been allergic to help for a LOOOOOOOONG time.  There are too many examples to list.  Here's my favorite.  Once upon a time, I volunteered myself and my horse to ride in a leadership clinic with some Cowboy from Virginia  .  After an amazing and enlightening day, I vividly remember preparing to take my gear back to the trailer.  Purse over my shoulder, bridle and helmet looped over my arm, carrying my saddle.  I believe I was about to grab my horse's lead rope as well (Hellooo - I'm an endurance rider. We don't make more than 1 trip) when the Marlboro Man asked if I needed help.  He'd just met me.  He had no idea.  As usual, the phrase "Nope!  I got it!!!"  popped out of my mouth before he'd even finished the question.  You see, I never need help.  Not ever.  And the more I need it, the less likely I am to admit it by golly unless I'm paying attention.  Well, the Cowboy folded his arms, looked at me a little sideways, leaned against the round pen, shook his head and said "My grandfather would not like this." 

I stopped dead in my tracks.  Looked at him blankly for a long moment . . . and handed him my saddle.  And said "Thank you."

A while ago, I had a conversation withy my mother that probably saved me years of therapy.  We were chatting about the past, and she commented that she used to really look forward to my coming home from school when I was in first or second grade. 

Me being me, I couldn't let that go.  "Aww, that's sweet!"  I responded . . .  "Why?"

My mother proceeded to explain to me that she had 2 babies at home at the time (ages 3 and infant), and that when I came home, it was nice to have someone to talk to . . . and here's the part that saved me therapy time . . . I never needed anything.  I would have been about seven. 

Now before my mom calls me, let me explain that I get it.  I TOTALLY get it.  When I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and trying to get things done and one of my kids asks for something, I have to work really hard not to heave a deep sigh before stopping whatever I needed to do to take care of whatever they need me to do.  The take-home message is that my mom never intended to send me the message that it wasn't ok to ask for help, but I was a pretty capable, independent kid and as a result, I was inadvertently rewarded for doing things on my own, and got the message that asking for things wasn't ok because it bothered other people.  Which I then took too far because kids do that. 

Here's the point:  at the time I had this conversation with my mother, I was struggling mightily with my issue of being totally overwhelmed (and this was BEFORE I had kids) and not having the skills to ask for help.  I would go ridiculously out of my way NOT to ask for help in fact, and would take great pains to keep anyone on the planet from ever discovering that I might possibly in any way not have everything all together.  As a mother of 2, I would have had to give that up anyway, as it is no longer possible for me to even maintain the illusion that I have everything even remotely together.  See how I've grown?

Every issue you're struggling with in your life, you learned somewhere.  Now this isn't "blame your parents" day on the blog, but odds are you learned it there.  Remember that whatever you learned, it may not be what they intended  to teach you.  When we learn things so young, we don't have fully functional reasoning brains yet, but we develop habits.  I can imagine my 7 year old self, seeing my mom doing 27 things at a time, and figuring there was no good reason to bother her with whatever I wanted, and figuring out how to do it myself.  When I was 4 I decided to clean the bathroom one day.  Trying to help.  Pretty sure mom would have been happier if I'd asked for help that day, as I ended up getting stitches in my thumb.  Or when my friend David and I decided to try out the glue-making technique we'd seen on PBS and mixed flour and water and added it to the play doh. 

When you identify what you learned, and what habits you created with your kid brain that you've carried into your adult life, it's easier to let go of them.  You're no longer locked in to the belief that if you ask for help you're horribly inconveniencing people, and they will be unhappy about it.  You can just ask.  And they can say yes or no.  And then you move on.  Shockingly?  People often say they will be more than happy to help.  It's amazing.  You should try it. 

The corrolary to this of course is be careful what you're teaching your kids.  They tend to learn it despite your best efforts.

Above all, don't forget to have a sense of humor about your bad habits.  That way you can smile when your friends laugh at you when you still do them.  ♥UBKZ

Boston: Trouble . . . and Grace.

While I was in my office meeting with wonderful hurting people who want nothing more and are working their guts out to free themselves from pain and learn how to navigate their lives, someone else blew up a piece of MY world.

Purposefully.  Willfully.  Viciously. 

I'm having a lot of feelings today. 

I wish I could say one of them was shock.  I'm not shocked. 

Fear.  I'm afraid we are going to see more and more of this.  I'm afraid that we will soon learn what "those poor people in the middle east" have lived through for a long time. 

Dread.  I'm dreading the onslaught of hateful angry posts all over the internet that pour gasoline on the flames.  Short-sighted, inaccurate, self-serving LOOK AT ME drivel that makes a mockery of the devastation in Boston today.  I plan, for the first time in my FB career, to use the "mark as spam" button liberally.  I will not engage (probably :)  ) in debates with people who aren't interested in doing anything but arguing.  

Disgust.  At the climate of complacency rampant in this country (of course probably not one person reading this fits that description because you care enough to read) that is so worried about infringing in the slightest way on anyone's freedom that responsibility has been lost.  Think about asking "SHOULD I" rather than "CAN I."   How bad does it have to get before we start asking "how can I make it better?" rather than "what's in it for me??"  Sure we can go to the Supreme Court and fight for our RIGHT to this and that . . . but what about our RESPONSIBILITY?  To EACH OTHER? 

Grief:  At the innocence lost to our nation's youth - and heck ME . . . I had a 10 year old in my office recently concerned that his family and pets could die at any moment.  He should be making mudpies, riding his bike and tugging on girl's pigtails, blissfully unaware that such horror exists.  I will allow myself to move through the grief.  The horror.  The disbelief.  I will not bury it, justify it, or rationalize it, nor will I let it engulf me. 

Resolve.  Tomorrow morning I will come back into my office.  I will encourage others not to react in fear and anger.  I will focus on what I CAN do to make a difference. Tomorrow, I will comfort those in need.  Tomorrow, I will use kind words even when I'm frustrated . . . and even if someone tailgates me on the highway.  Tomorrow, I will find warm ways to reach out to people and connect.  I will make eye contact with strangers . . . and smile.  Tomorrow I will raise my head high and be part of the solution, not part of the problem.  That is what I CAN, and furthermore SHOULD do. 

Tonight, I'm going to hug my kids.  Really, really tight. 

It won't suck forever. Really.

I get it. 

You're discouraged.  You're disappointed.  Someone has broken your heart.  You feel trapped, powerless and out of control.  Whatever is going on, right now, things just suck. 

It won't suck forever.  Remember that.  I know.  You don't believe me.  It's ok.  Hear me out.

Today's world is HARD.  We are overloaded, overstimulated and overwhelmed, mostly without adequate skills to manage our emotions.  We get taught from day one NOT to feel - or at least not to tell anyone about it.  We end up feeling alone and lost.  People act really shitty and think it's their right.  You're not making it up.  Sometimes things really do suck. 

Don't give up.  Wait a week.  Or a day.  Or an hour.  Recognize that not every minute is horrible, and that horrible is relative.  Don't fall for the trap that there is some way you can rig your life that everything will be wonderful and happy all the time.  There are significant moments, both happy and lousy, scattered throughout a whole lot of pretty darn boring.  That's the way it's supposed to be.  You've been sold a bill of goods in movies and TV that everything is exciting and dramatic.  It's not.  Remember, they're condensing several days, weeks or months into 40ish minutes.  People don't watch TV and movies to see reality.  It's drama.  Life isn't like that. 

There's this thing called "habituation."  It's hard-wired.  We can't NOT do it.  From the time we're babies, we pay attention to something new.  Over time, it gets boring, and it doesn't pique our interest anymore.  It would take greater and greater levels of happiness to achieve the same feelings over time.  Similarly, we habituate to hard times too, so even if whatever stressful thing that's going on keeps going on for a long time, our brains get used to it and it doesn't seem so stressful.  The thing is, most of the time, stresses come and go.  You have a fight with your friend.  In a week, either you've both forgotten about it, or at the very least you've gotten used to avoiding each other in the hallway.  Think about things that have happened that were awful and you thought they'd never end.  Then they ended.  And you were ok.  That doesn't mean it didn't suck.  It just means it didn't suck forever. 

A guy named Ken Baldwin jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in 1985.  He reports that as soon as he let go, he realized that "everything in [his] life that [he] thought was unfixable was totally fixable - except for having just jumped."  I can tell you I hear this story over and over.  A 20 year old guy who got dumped by his girlfriend and decided to hang himself.  As soon as the rope got tight, he remembers thinking it was a bad idea.  He's pretty glad his grandparents heard him.  Another kid in his 20's who tried suicide a couple years ago and can't really remember why he even wanted to do it.  A 17 year old girl who overdosed and cut herself who is now 25, finishing school and pretty darn happy with her life.  I could go on and on.

Any animal caught in a trap is tempted to chew off a leg to get free.  It's pretty normal for any one of us to consider suicide from time to time as a way to avoid having to actually go through whatever crappy thing is happening at the moment.  There's a big difference between really wanting to die and just wanting the pain to stop.  You want the pain to stop.  I know.  Me too.  The thing is, a lot of people don't know that they have choices other than feel miserable, or think about suicide.  If someone were to give you another option that made sense, you'd probably take it. 

That other option is about TOOLS and SKILLS.  No offense to parents and other people in your life, but LOTS of people don't have those skills.  We have skills for avoidance.  Numb out with TV, video games, alcohol, drugs, sex, sometimes over-achieving, dieting, whatever keeps you from feeling the pain.  Yes.  Learning new skills and getting through it is hard.  The more you practice, the easier it gets.  So where would you learn these skills?  TV?  We covered that.  Friends?  Their skills might not be any better than yours, and they might be the ones causing the problem in the first place.  Parents?  That's hit or miss.  If you have a great relationship with parents who have great skills, you're probably not thinking about killing yourself (though that's not always true either).  And yeah, when you feel hopeless at the end of your rope it's hard to be really motivated about learning a whole bunch of new coping skills.  You don't have to do it alone. 

So many people are scared to go see a therapist, but therapists are great coaches and can give you a short-cut to feeling better.  Therapists aren't there to judge you, or lecutre you, or boss you around.  Don't waste your energy feeling ashamed, weak or embarassed.  They won't see you that way.  Yes there are bad therapists.  Most of them aren't.  If you get a bad one, walk out of their office and right straight into someone else's.  I'd be surprised if you find 2 bad ones in a row.  Call your local community mental health center.  Google "THERAPIST (your zip code or city)."  Talk to your parents, if that's a safe thing to do.  Talk to a teacher.  Talk to a friend.  Talk to a friend's mom or dad.  TALK TO SOMEONE.   Know that it doesn't always take a lot of money to talk to a professional.  Call a hotline.  1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE Somewhere, there is someone who will listen.  Remember, you're not calling to tell them you're going to kill yourself.  You're calling to tell them you want another option.   

You can do this.  It will be worth it because it won't suck forever.  I promise. 

Practice WINNING!!



GO JOE! 
Thanks to the Haeberle Family for this pic!

  One of the charming things I am often known to say is:

"You're either a therapist or you're not.  If you're a therapist, you'll be a therapist whether you're a licensed, practicing clinician, or a mechanic, or a landscaper, or an accountant . . . or a Cowboy.  If you're not a therapist, no amount of schooling can help you."  And then I write my student loan check. 

Recently, I was whining about how my life does not allow the time I'd like to get outdoors and ride my horse.  It's frustrating because there isn't a sense of continuity - like I'm making progress.  I ride 3 days in a row, and then don't get to touch a horse for 2 weeks.  My treasured friend the "non-therapist" sent me an email later that day, describing an endurance ride.  He talked about maintaining my steady trot all day, then seeing an opportunity at the finish and riding for it - picking up a faster gait and passing the leader to win the ride!  YAY!!!  His point was that I could ride in my head any time I wanted, that it WOULD improve my performance to practice in my head, and that it was more than vital for me to keep that part of me from getting buried under the rest of the junk in my life. 

What he didn't realize is that he made me think about more than that.  As he described my finish, all I could think about was the possibility that in that wild dash for the finish, my horse would probably shy at that Wal-Mart bag and toss me off into the bushes.  Then I started to wonder how other people I admire in this sport manage to pull off that race for the finish.  I've seen them do it.  It's totally exciting!!!  It occurred to me that these people probably practice between rides.  I bet they get out there with their friends and race just for fun, which teaches the horses how to do it. 

imgur.com

Then, because I am so unfaililngly me, I started thinking about the larger implications for life, and the need to practice winning.  We tend to think about the worst case outcomes of whatever we're doing.  In doing so, we practice losing.  We practice failing.  We even practice giving up.  We practice all the things that won't help us win AT ALL.  Kids practice winning in their heads.  They even practice in their play.  They tell us they can be superheroes, or cowboys, or doctors.  When they are little, we call it cute.  When we get bigger, we call it daydreaming, and tell ourselves to get our heads out of the clouds and face reality.  We kill those winning visualizations with efficiency and finality.

I'm here to tell you to get out there and get your head in the clouds as fast as you can.  Your brain will naturally want to focus on the squeaky wheel, so don't worry - it will get plenty of grease.  Make a decision to practice winning in your head whenever you're faced with a problem.  In the meantime, I'm gearing up for my first ride of the season which is, coinciedentally ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!         

Happy Valentine's Day!

   

From "Riding with Empathy"
on Facebook.  They have LOTS
of cool horse stuff!

It's HERE!  It's HERE!!  The holiday that's all about celebrating relationship!  Yay!!!  Therapist does the happy dance!
Enjoy your day, folks. 
Keep your amygdala under control and your self-esteem strong. 

Be APPRECIATIVE
Be GENEROUS
Be LOVING
and
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

If things don't look like you want them to look today, think about looking forward and planning to spend the next 365 days creating NEXT Valentine's day.  Relationship not where you want it to be?  Focus on SOLVING the problem, not complaining about it.  No relationship?  Put on your big kid pants and go find one if you want it.  Kiss a few frogs and see if one of them turns out to be a prince/princess.  Don't feel like you're in a place to want a relationship?  ACCEPT that .  HONOR that.  Be where you are.  You can get to where you want to be. 

Wishing you Love today.  Yes, love from another, whether it's a goldfish, offspring or life partner, but love from yourself most of all.  Without loving yourself, you can't accept love from another (ok maybe the goldfish or a dog) in a healthy way.  Love yourself.  Be content.  You can do both of those on purpose.

Check out Riding with Empathy on Facebook 

I gave my love ... a cactus.

I have to say I really admire the cactus. 

Cactus lives in a harsh, unforgiving environment.  For the most part, it receives very little water or nourishment, but when it rains, the cactus must be able to store up as much as it can to make it through the next dry spell – and who knows how long that will be.  When the rain comes, and the cactus has replenished its reserves, it flowers.  If things are really good, it can even bear fruit.  Good thinking for the designers of the cactus to make those awesome succulent leaves that can stockpile sustenance.  Sharing a habitat with the cactus are many other hungry and thirsty critters who could use an easy meal.  So the cactus has armor.  And spines.  And the critters leave it alone.  And it survives. 



Prickly Pear Cactus
Photo by Art Poskanzer

A fact to which I do not often admit is that I grew up in South Texas, home of the Prickly Pear Cactus (also the jumping jack cactus which, in addition to the attributes listed above, is constantly set to “attack” mode.  I was on the receiving end of this the assassin of succulents on an endurance ride in El Paso once.  Yeowch).  I have lived in Colorado for nearly 20 years, so I do not consider myself a Texan anymore (really didn’t consider myself a Texan during the 23 years I LIVED in Texas, but that’s another story).  However, when you’ve been gone from somewhere for 20 years, the memory of all the reasons you don’t live there start to fade, and you wax nostalgic from time to time as you consider reclaiming your heritage.  Thus, on one September car trip back to the land of my birth, I decided that it would be super fun to make prickly pear preserves.  I stopped by the side of some lonesome Texas Highway, and used a newspaper to pluck a bagful of the richly colored magenta fruit from its spiny home.  Now nature wants these little beauties to mature right there on the plant, not get eaten by some hungry deer or bird before the seeds can grow on their own, so they have spines too.  Each one of these fruits must be peeled prior to cooking.  May I please tell you how MANY spines these suckers have, and how incredibly fine they are.  It took me WEEKS to stop feeling like I had shards of glass in every single finger.  The preserves never really set, and were more like syrup, but were tasty and made great Christmas gifts that year.  Take home message?  When you’re having to put all your energy into just staying alive because pickin’s are slim, you develop some pretty high-level defense systems. 

On the other hand, let’s look at the orchid.  Delicate stems, fragile leaves, gorgeous flowers with ornate, colorful petals.  No shortage of food and water in the rain forest.   The survival of this lovely depends not on being tough, but on being attractive.  The orchid needs to bat its shy, demure eyelashes at every bug that comes by, just begging to be pollinated and cross-pollinated.  If by chance the orchid is trampled or eaten, there are 30 more in the same zip code who now have a better chance.   

Perhaps you’re wondering at this point if you’re reading the wrong blog.  How did we get from mental health to horticulture? 

WOW!  This orchid is called "The Dove."
Is that gorgeous or what?
Image courtesy of image*after

There’s a great analogy for relationship here.  We are attracted to each other like bugs to an orchid.  (Imagine how romantic I am in my real life J)  Our avatar eyes meet across a crowded internet chat room and it’s kismet . . . we are drunk on the sweet nectar of the first 3 to 6 months of a relationship.  We make sure to have the exact recipe of attention and adoration that makes the other swoon.  It feels great to lavish the other with thoughtfulness, consideration, respect.  We promise it will be this way always, that we will not repeat our past transgressions of too much pruning, or too little, short attention span, too many plants in the greenhouse . . . we are the rain forest and there’s plenty to go around.  And then life kicks in.  Truth is we are not in the rain forest after all, and it takes actual work to care for a plant, as it does to nurture a relationship.  The world of addiction treatment has a saying (which I may or may not be quoting accurately because I remember it from Sandra Bullock in "28 Days" which is a GREAT movie by the way) – “when you get sober, get a plant.  If it’s still alive in a year, get a pet.  If in a year the pet is still alive, then you are ready to think about a relationship.”  I think this can be true for most adults in general.  I’ll save my “evils of society in general” soapbox for later, but will say that we don’t exactly value the concept of “high maintenance” these days.  There’s a reason that describing someone as a “hothouse flower” isn’t really a compliment. 

Also keep in mind that most of us come to the relationship arena with particular wounds and sensitivities.  By the time we get to our 20’s, 30’s 40’s . . . we’re the scratch and dent models, so unless we’re careful, we find out that that lovely orchid has developed some thorns.  Pretty sure with millions of years of slowly changing climate, we would see that orchid turn into a well-defended cactus.  Put that in the pressure cooker of the relationship and you can see the transition in mere months.

I use stock photos for this blog. 
I searched "Orchid" and this photo came up. 
It made me laugh so I thought I'd post it. 
Image courtesy of David et Magalie

If you want a low maintenance relationship, take home a cactus.  Be aware though that though your cactus might not nag and micromanage you to get its needs met, it has spines and isn’t especially cuddly.  Don’t treat it like a cactus and then blame it for being a cactus.  Similarly, if you want an orchid, be ready to put in the legwork.  If you treat your orchid like a cactus, don’t be mad at it for wilting and eventually dying.  You get out of the relationship what you put into it.