More thoughts about boundaries - but still not a series or that insures the Myans will be right.

If we know our own boundaries, we can identify what makes us uncomfortable.  Boundaries are impacted by a multitude of factors like self-esteem, past experience, and (my favorite) COMMUNICATION SKILLS.  Since we are not perfect mind-readers, it is inevitable in relationship that someone will step over that invisible and often changing boundary line.  When we make our boundaries known, we set LIMITS.  Limits have a volume knob, and can be turned up or down depending on the needs of the situation.  Some people keep the volume on 27 all the time, and the slightest boundary infringement is met with LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE LIMITS.  Some people don't turn it up enough and their limits are often ignored.  I feel like I need a flow chart.  (Aside:  I actually tried to make a flow chart.  Yeah.  I have 2 kids, 4 horses and a full time job.  Not enough brain cells left over to make one.  See blog post on reasonable expectations)

Limits too strong says "SCREW YOU, YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE AND BY GOD YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!!!"  However, this is just one violation met with another.  Tit for Tat.  You violated me now I'm going to violate you.  Then the other person reacts to having their boundaries violated and so on, and so on, and so on . . . Strong emotion (see previous posts on the addictive nature of strong emotion and endorphins!)

Not strong enough says "I'm worthless, you don't care about me, I'm a hostage."  The violatee feels helpless and resentful, unable to take care of him or herself and frequently responds with passive-aggressive behaviors or avoidance.  The violat-er is totally clueless most of the time, and has no idea why all of a sudden they're getting the cold shoulder.  More strong emotion as our amygdala responds to a perceived threat. 

Reasonable limits say "Hey, I care about myself, and about our relationship and I need to let you know that you crossed the line.  My expectation is that you will accomodate my need for you to step back."  With a good sense of boundaries and reasonable limits, there is no need for strong emotion.  It's emotion on the level of "please pass the salt."  The expectation is that your needs will be met, if at all possible.

Let's play this out in real life:

You're dating someone, and they ask you to get together.  You are feeling tired, and looking forward to a quiet evening at home.  Panic ensues as you decide how to proceed.  Do you do what you want to do and risk the other person getting irritated about it?  Or do what they want you to do and ignore your own needs??  Is there a compromise to be found?  Boundaries mean you face this situation without anxiety.

Hey - want to get together later?

Actually I was looking forward to crashing on the couch and being in a TV coma.  How about Tuesday?

Good boundaries looks like no one getting their feelings hurt, no one feeling rejected, and no one taking the information as a personal attack.  We leave the situation with the same emotional neutrality as if we'd asked someone to pass the salt.  We expect the response to be a positive "Sure!"  or at worst "Hang on one sec."  Point is, we go into the situation anticipating that our need will be met, so we have no anxiety in asking.  If we were to ask "Could you please pass the salt?" and hear instead "ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU EVEN SAID THAT!!!!   I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS S&^*!"  We would clearly identify that the OTHER person was out of line, wonder who peed in their wheaties, and fear for their sanity.  Goodness.  A simple request treated as if we'd shown up naked for Christmas Dinner AND asked for a kidney.  However, when we make that request for something else . . . like "excuse me, but I believe I was next in line . . . "  Filled with terror.  Often leading to reacting with ANGER and nasty glares without saying one darn thing.  In relationship, we often don't ask, and get resentful because we didn't get our needs met.  

Ask, and ye shall receive . . . at least an answer.  What I know is that if you DON'T ask, it's a sure thing you won't get it.  Worst that can happen is someone says no.  Actually WORST is that they don't know how to say no, and get pissed at you for asking.  But you don't have to own that :)