Forgiveness: 4 steps from Door Mat to Door Master

Once you’ve wrapped your heart around forgiveness, you come face to face with the very human instinct to avoid that which causes us pain. It makes sense to stay away from toxic relationships. No one can fault you from keeping distance with someone who is a repeated source of relational chaos.

The easy thing is to just summarily cut the person off. To slam and deadbolt that door and to stop giving them the chance to hurt us by making sure they aren’t within striking distance. How much we need to involve the other person in the process of forgiveness and relational repair depends on how important the connection is to you.

Close personal relationships are a little more challenging than the guy who flips you off in traffic. These aren’t throw away people with zero impact on your life, this is the meat and potatoes of our relational selves. I think the biggest thing that gets in the way of relationship is our inability to manage and tolerate conflict. We either go over the top into grandiosity and self-riteousness or shrink away like WE did something wrong. Somewhere along the way we learned as a society that we should never make anyone uncomfortable. We’ve taken it too far. Feeling uncomfortable is important in maintaining relationship because ideally, it keeps us from acting like jerks.

So. Step 1, gather up your best assertiveness and conflict management skills. (Note to self, write about conflict management skills) Have an awareness of your ability to protect your boundaries by setting and holding limits. Say to yourself “however this turns out, I can handle it.”

Step 2: GO TO THE PERSON YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH. NOT TO SOMEONE (or several someones) ELSE. Even the bible backs me up here. I’m out on the whole get your pastor involved approach if the one on one goes south, but I’m all over the idea of dealing with things directly. Use assertive language, I statements, and good boundaries. Stay in your own energetic space. Address what HAPPENED, rather than your armchair psychologist assumptions about the motivations behind what happened. This sounds like “I care about our relationship and I’m struggling with getting past how hurt I am about some of the things you said to me yesterday,” or “I’m having a hard time wanting to make plans with you because the last 4 times we were supposed to meet you either didn’t show up or cancelled at the last minute, and I’m feeling disrespected,” not “you can’t treat me like that, you’re an idiot and you need to stop being a jerk.”

Offer concrete solutions for how you would like to resolve the situation, up to and including specific words you would like to hear the person say, if that’s the way it is in your head. “You know Bob, what I need to hear you say is that you understand how your words/actions impacted me, and that it matters to you how I feel.”

There’s a great deal of debate about how to deliver this message. In a nutshell, here’s my 2 cents. ANY WAY YOU CAN. If you have the relationship skills to have a sit-down with the person, keep your wits about you and look them right in the eye, that’s awesome. Most of us don’t. Most of us get overwhelmed and emotionally flooded in the face of conflict and will pull out our less-than-helpful communication habits (see amygdala hijack and how the part of your brain where you store all those awesome relationship and communication skills is more or less locked out when you’ve got adrenalilne running through your system). Secondly, face to face conversations can feel like a blitz attack to the other person and set up some defensiveness right from the get go. For my money? Pick up a piece of paper and a pen. Write words. I think email is a completely acceptable option. Text. Send the message by carrier pigeon if you have to, but GET IT OUT THERE. Keeping it inside your head fosters resentment and impedes forgiveness.

Step 3: Wait to see what happens. Don’t play the big fight over and over in your head. Don’t rehearse all the nasty biting sarcastic comments you could possibly make. If you’re going to practice for the other person going on the offensive and waging an attack, prepare for level 2 de-escalation which sounds like “hey – hold on – I’m not attacking you. I care about our relationship enough to come to you and try to work this out between us. You’re a good person. I know that. I want you in my life. Can we talk about it?” Yep. I know. This flies in the face of everything we have learned from TV and movies. Please refer to my future best-selling self-help book entitled“Being healthy is really boring.” No one makes movies about GOOD communication. There’s no crisis. No opportunity for denoument and the swell of violin music. There used to be this series of greeting cards with a couple little ants having a conversation. One ant said “forget your troubles” and the other one said “ok.” Now that’s brief therapy!

Step 4: LET GO. Communication about conflict has one of two possible outcomes. Either the relationship continues or it doesn’t. If the relationship continues, stop beating a dead horse. Don’t beat the other person with it either. Don’t lay in wait for them to offend again. It’s human nature when we’ve been hurt to feel a little guarded. Own it. This might sound like “I know I’m a little guarded. I’m working on it. Thanks for your patience with me.” (note to self: write article about how to respond to this statement) It does NOT sound like accusing the person of offending in the FUTURE. “Oh yeah the moment I let my guard down you’ll just do it again.” If you’re in that corner and won’t get out of it, leave the relationship. You’re done.

If you’ve gone through level 1 and 2 of respectful resolution and the other person just isn’t getting it – they blame you, they don’t even admit what happened, or they justify their behavior and maintain their defensive and angry position, you might need to limit your interactions with this person. But with forgiveness. Not “I can’t deal with him” or “she’s just a toxic person.” With an understanding that whatever is going on for that person right then, they weren’t able to come to the table and work it out. It’s not a commentary on your worth as a person. It’s not an attack or an insult. It’s sad. It’s a shame. Shake the dust off your feet and move on, energetically wishing the person well and keeping the door cracked open just in case they read my next blog on the flip side of forgiveness. Don’t expect Francis Ford Coppola to come knocking at your door for the screen rights. It won’t be dramatic enough. Grieve. Accept. Move on.

“This is the way the world ends – not with a bang, but a whimper.” - TS Eliot 
 

5 Myths About Forgiveness

What's all this business about forgiveness?  Doesn't that mean we walk around as human doormats?  Powerless victims over those who are more willing to act out their self-centered, myopic agendas?  Nope. 

Forgiveness is as much (if not more) about what you’re going to carry around with you as it is about how you handle the other person.  When we forgive, we let go of the resentment that eats away at our ability to be peaceful in the world. 

Myth 1. The other person has to apologize for me to forgive them.  This is a nice theory, and it is easier when someone owns their own behavior, but reality is that most people don't know how to apologize.  They know how to slink around, lay blame, avoid you, be defensive and give you 45 reasons why you shouldn't hold them accountable . . . but they don't know how to apologize.

More often than not, someone's bad behavior has less to do with you than it does with their own insecurity and lack of relationship skill. When you know that, you can forgive, knowing that there WAS a reason for whatever offense was committed, and that the reason probably had very little to do with you personally. You can realize that the other person is doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment ... and that you don’t have to be a punching bag. You have compassion for whatever pain they must be experiencing to make it seem acceptable to behave the way they are, and you LET IT GO. You don’t stew about it, or play nasty conversations over and over in your head. You don’t form a committee of your 76 closest friends to make sure they are on your side. You don’t put it on facebook, you don’t text nasty messages. You don’t turn and walk the other way to avoid the person at church. You stop insiting that they change their behavior, and you change yours. 

Myth 2.  Forgiveness comes after a big, dramatic confrontation worthy of an Oscar nomination.
Sometimes, you can pull off forgiveness without involving the other party at all.This rarely works if the relationship in question is a close one, so keep reading for tips on how to appropriately confront and ask for an apology if one is not forthcoming.  However, there are situations in which it isn't possible to get resolution, or where the attempt to get resolution is likely to turn out poorly.   If you’ve been treated poorly by a fellow driver on the highway, for example, odds are this isn’t a relationship you’re going to nurture and depend on. So someone swerves in front of you AND flips you off. Smile. Wave. And for the rest of the day instead of thinking how dare that JERK disrespect you and running through the list of searing insults you would be happy to deliver, energetically wish that person peace as you smile and wave. Energetically understand that they’re insecure and scared inside if they need to be that outwardly aggressive and hope for them that they have the opportunity to heal. Take the opportunity to reflect on how thankful you are that you’re secure enough in yourself to not need to be a jerk in return just to show that total stranger that you won’t stand for being treated like that by golly. Let it go. Notice how much less it takes a bite out of your mood. In 5 minutes you won’t even remember it happened. Similar skills apply with someone you think won't respond positively to an attempt to work it out and you decide it isn't worth your time.  And if it is really that hard to not flip off some jerk driver, or make a nasty comment to the server/customer service person? Take a good look in the mirror at your own insecurities and low self-esteem. 

Myth 3.  Holding a grudge is the same as boundaries.  Boundaries are often confused with WALLS.  Forgiveness REQUIRES good boundaries.  It means that you no longer have to avoid a person or be mad at them because you know that if it gets uncomfortable, you can handle the situation with grace.  You can set limits, including limiting how much access the person has to you.  Including whether or not to be around that person.  The difference is whether or not you have to skip Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's because your sister will be there, and whether or not you feel uncomfortable about being there.  Good boundaries mean you go, and you feel fine.  If it goes south, you can make choices about it, up to and including leaving the scene. 

Myth 4.  Forgiving someone makes you a doormat
Forgiving someone does not give them power over you.  It means that you’re not going to give the situation power OVER YOU and let it ruin your day.  Forgiveness is the energy with which you set limits.  Kind, loving, and sometimes sad limits, as in “I’m ending our relationship because I can no longer be around you AND be respectful to myself.” Forgiveness is not a “get out of jail free” card for the offender.It is an opportunity – a partially open door– for relationship repair and growth.  Anyone who demands forgiveness is avioding responsibility.  No one DESERVES forgiveness. True Forgiveness is a gift.  Continued relationship depends on what happens next.

Myth 5.  Forgiving someone lets them off the hook.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean their behavior acceptable. It doesn’t mean you condone or accept what they did.  It also does not mean the door is open for that person to continue to treat you badly.  Forgiveness just means that you're not going to carry around a grudge about the LAST event, and that if you continue to be around that person, you will treat them with kind limits, and protect your boundaries.  You will not let their acting like a jerk lead you to act like a jerk.  Take the high road. 

But how do you forgive and still have expectations?  Aren’t those opposites?

I don’t think so.   Stay tuned.