Thankful ... MORE OR LESS.

Well, here we are, all stuffed with Turkey and nursing the aftermath of over indulgences of one kind or another (#pie).  I wrote this blog in my head yesterday, but never had a chance to put it in a format that was accessible to anyone else. 

Thanksgiving.  We are long past the idyllic days of old where tables were set in the school hallways, covered with brown butcher paper, and adorned with turkeys made from tracings of our hands while we wore pilgrim hats or Indian bonnets made from construction paper.  Now we must face reality.  The Pilgrims were horrible, malicious marauders who forced the hapless Indians ... wait - Native Americans, no FIRST Americans ... anyway, those nasty Pilgrims (can we still call them pilgrims??) ... oh who cares.  Let's just forget history altogether because someone will get their feelings hurt and goodness knows we can't have THAT.  Besides.  The stuff we would eat at those feasts wasn't gluten free, bought from a store or had a label.  I'm not sure how we survived.  Anyway, Sorry kids, no more cool fringed Indian outfits made out of paper grocery bags.  Let's do some MATH.   

Yet we persevere ... each year at this time, we briefly take a time-out from bashing each other on facebook, waving our arms about the injustice of forcing those poor people to work on Black Friday ... or waving our arms about the people who wave their arms about the injustice ... I can't keep track ... and get around a table with people we may or may not like.  It's all well and good for those who have some sort of Normal Rockwell experience, but what about people in the thick of it?

It's hard to hear about being thankful when all you can see is what is going wrong. 

Human brains are hard-wired to pay attention to problems.  In 20 years as a therapist, not one person has ever reported to me that they are obsessed with thoughts of how GREAT things are, and how WELL things are going.  "I keep thinking about how AWESOME my life is.  I can't get anything else done!  I can't work, I can't sleep, all I do all day is think about all the things I'm GRATEFUL for!!  Can you help me with this?"  Said no one, ever.  And if they did, I would immediately start screening for mania.  That's just not the way things work.

Life is HARD these days.  That is just fact.  If you're not struggling, congratulations.  If the little bubble you live in is intact, good for you.  If you manage to be untouched by the horrors and tragedies in the everyday lives of so many people, I mean beyond the sympathetic "oh golly, isn't that AWFUL???  Those poor people!  BLESS THEIR HEARTS . . . " then it's easy to find things to be thankful for and let that gratitude just ooze from your pores.  There's your thankful right there.  In my humble opinion, you now have a responsibility to get out of your bubble and go help someone. 

We DO have things to be grateful for.  We may not have as much money as we want, but we did get to take that vacation 2 years ago . . . .and maybe there's no money for vacation, but we have a home and enough food .... or maybe there's not home and food, but we have our health ... or maybe we don't have health, a home, any family, or like a family in a small Texas town where my high school BFF lives, maybe they lost 5 of 6 kids in one terrible night.  Harder to find gratitude in times like that.

We have the platitudes.  "God is in control," "Everything happens for a reason"  "Yes, you lost both your legs, but aren't you super excited you still have arms???"  Reality??  Those things bring little comfort when you're grieving a loss, or wondering how you will pay your medical bills, or how you're going to afford the new"affordable" healthcare plans with double the premiums and half the benefits.  In those times, brains believe that the way to solve a problem is to think about it.  A lot.  And brains fight us when we try to take a break from balancing the checkbook ONE MORE TIME to see if we missed something somewhere and indeed things are going to be all right.  Replay the tragedy ONE MORE TIME to try to find a way to make it un-happen.  Brains don't know that solutions aren't easy these days.  Brains keep trying.   

In those times, gratitude helps us find balance, yes, but it is unreasonable to think that some goofy gratitude journal will somehow take the sting out of losing 5 kids.  So if you're one of the millions out there who are finding it hard to maintain an "attitude of gratitude," take heart.  You can still get through the holidays.

1.  It's OK to say no.  Evaluate whether social gatherings are helpful.  Sometimes it's like getting over a speed bump.  Once you get there, you actually do feel better for a while.  If that is the case, persevere through the speed bump.  Sometimes a good enough reason to do something that will be difficult is that you know that later when you're feeling better you'll wish you had.  You can go to a gathering, and then beg out after an hour too.  If anyone gives you a hard time, tell them to call me.  I will explain it to them.  Conversely, don't be a hermit if feeling alone is the problem, and BEING alone makes it worse.  Spend time with people who feed your soul, even if those are total strangers in a coffee shop and you never say one word to them.  Shared experience is healing. 

2.  Self Care.  Do things that make you feel better.  Get the responsibilities taken care of, yes, but otherwise get enough sleep, don't OVERindulge in vices (my favorites include peppermint ice cream and red wine).  Go to the dollar store and get one of those massager roller thingies and use it on those shoulders that are tired from carrying the weight of the world.  Go sit in the massage chairs at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Those things are AWESOME.  Paint your toenails.  Here's Someone else's cool list.  

3.  Don't be a Grinch. If you can't go out and have fun, stay home and have fun.  Go to a movie and escape reality for a while.  Yes, even by yourself.  No one is looking at you.  They are way too wrapped up in themselves.  Don't expect the whole world to slow down because you're struggling.  Many people are having fun this time of year.  It isn't a personal insult when others are happy. 

4.  Don't Mope.  Taking time to rest and regroup is one thing, out and out wallowing in self-pity is another.  Now don't get me wrong, having a good wallow has its time and place, but healthy wallowing is time-limited, and while you're wallowing you know you will stop in a while and resume problem solving.  Trying not to acknowledge things that are going wrong is like trying not to breathe.  We are humans.  But we are at the top of the food chain because we can think about the future and plan for things.  Do it. 

5.  Give back.  This does really help.  Find a charity and go volunteer, if you have the time.  If anxiety, or a crazy schedule keeps you from going to a soup kitchen, donate a coat.  Or mittens.  Or something.  Bake cookies for a military unit overseas.  Go read to someone at a nursing home.  Give back with the click of your mouse.  Shovel your neighbor's walkway and let them wonder who did it.  Or heck, just send a nice card to someone you know. 

 6.  Look to the future with at least one squinty, jaded eye.  It won't suck forever.  If you're going to think about how bad things are, spend some time making plans or taking action that will make it better.  Get a better job.  Ask for help.  Join a support group.  Read a book on whatever you're struggling with.  Pick ONE THING that might make a difference and do it.  Feng Shui says if you simply MOVE 20 items in your home, it will release stuck energy.  So re-arrange that living room!!

Most of all, hang in there.  34 days till January 2.  You can make it till then.  After that, the lights come down and we get busy forgetting our New Year's resolutions and hunkering down to get ready for taxes, and everyone is grumpy again.  :)

Holidays - WITH BOUNDARIES!

'Tis the season!!! The season of rushing around, worrying about what to get for whom, dreading dinner with people you would rather not spend time with ... oh wait ... is that not what it's about?? Of course I'm writing this 2 days before Christmas when it's been in my head for a month. Let's just say I'm following my own advice. Mostly.

Tips for mentally healthy holidays:

• Don't fight it.  Especially if you're an introvert (and I don't mean shy or antisocial, I mean energetically pointed inward) the Holiday season is taxing.  Parties every weekend, less down-time . . . it's TOUGH!!  Know what you're doing.  Know that if you plan to attend a gathering every weekend, you'll be tired.  Here's a great article about how to manage the holidays as an introvert!  Personally, I have used the bathroom option MANY times!!  Shopping, activities, etc. take a huge toll.  Pace yourself.  I have started a sticky note list that I use to write down all the times I think "next year I ought to . . ." and stick it on next October.  I did this for the first time a couple of years ago and it really has made a difference.  Of course last year's note suggested that I have the Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving ..... maybe I should stick that note to July.
• Avoid a hostage situation:  You will not die because you don't go to Aunt Sally's house for her homemade fruitcake on Christmas Eve.  Everyone involved will survive.  However, expect some backlash if you suddenly decide to forgo the family traditions.  Eventually, even that will fade.  Seriously.  Your mother will only mention it in every conversation for a couple of months.  You have to make a choice:  which is worse?  Sitting at Aunt Sally's for hours chewing the same bite of fruitcake in hopes it will at some point become swallow-able or dealing with the backlash from your mother?  If you decide to skip it, accept the backlash.  Be prepared to have really great boundaries with your mother, and extend your sincere regrets to Aunt Sally.  This might sound like "Hey Aunt Sally - I am just not feeling up to a bunch of people right now.  How about I give you a call next month and we'll get together for dinner?"  (you can leave out "without fruitcake") "Mom, I understand that Aunt Sally is disappointed.  I have just come to the realization that I need to conserve energy so I'm not so worn out, and this is a place I decided to cut back.  I hope you'll understand and respect my decision."  If you decide to go, don't sulk.  Be aware that you have chosen to attend the gathering, and be gracious.  Awareness of our choice in a situation helps us feel empowered.  Empowered is good when dealing with mothers and Aunt Sallys. 
• Avoid gift extortion!!  Closely related to not being a hostage to events is not being a gift hostage.  Don't spend money you don't have on gifts for people you don't genuinely want to give to.  Again, there is no HAVE TO.  Instead of spending a bunch on something they will throw away, why not get something small (everyone loves lip balm and pens!) and attach it to a certificate letting them know you've made a donation in their name to ABC charity!  Bonus points for donating to a charity that you think THEY would support.  Here's a website to get you started.  How often do you get to say "I gave my boss a camel for Christmas??"  If you give someone a gift card for their local supermarket and they get irritated, shake the dust off your feet.  However, be aware of the fine line between frugal and stingy, and between busy and lazy.  Be honest with yourself.  If you're going to give, be generous and genuine.  If you're strapped this holiday season, don't be afraid to say so.  Announce ahead of time (see, this should have come a month ago) that you will not be giving lavish gifts this year.  For those you'd like to give to, offer coupons for services:  babysitting, housecleaning, yard work, toilet scrubbing . . . any of those would be more than welcome at my house!!  Give a gift that will make a difference, not end up in a closet.
• Practice good boundaries!!!  You do NOT have to tolerate Uncle Monty's off-color jokes or wandering hands.  You also do not have to show Uncle Monty the error of his ways, or elicit an apology from him (odds are you won't get one).  You can exit stage left in a number of different ways.  Excuse yourself to the restroom.  Go help with the dishes.  Quietly just leave the room, or better yet, just roll your eyes (internally) and remind yourself you only have to tolerate this for a few hours a year and think of anything you like about Uncle Monty.  Notice I'm not advocating sending a message with the exit.  We would call that passive-aggressive behavior.  If cornered by Uncle Monty about why you're not laughing at his jokes, you can simply say "I guess I just didn't find it that funny" or "I guess I didn't get it" and then exit stage left before Uncle Monty has a chance to have to push back on you calling him on behavior he knows is inappropriate in the first place.  If you're going to take it on and push for permanent change, do it privately at another time.
• Don't make a pre-emptive strike.  Don't sit around thinking of what zinger you're going to lay on your brother Hubert when he chides you about those 20 pounds you haven't taken off yet.  Don't spend your energy fashioning cutting remarks designed to peel the skin off his body.  Think about ASSERTIVENESS.  Think about ignoring it.  Think about not responding at all - just smile at Hubert, let the uncomfortable silence hang in the air and remember that those 20 pounds are YOUR issue, not his.  His mentioning it is about power, not concern.  (Concern sounds like "Hey sis - please don't hear this as judgment, but I've noticed you've gained some weight.  I love you so much and with your diabetes I'm worried about you.  Is there anything I can do to help??"  And by the way this conversation does NOT take place at Christmas dinner.  It happens privately.  )  You can even say, if needed "Hubert, I'm not even going to acknowledge that." 
• Don't be a brat:  If you're reading this, I'm assuming that you are an adult.  In fact, I'd apply what I'm about to say to anyone over the age of about 15.  There is NO EXCUSE for creating drama at a family gathering.  If you can't play nice, stay home.  If you're going to act out and create a big mess, you might as well put on your big-kid assertiveness skills and piss everyone off in a healthy way.  Yeah, I get it.  You don't like the way so-and-so treats you.  Be descriptive.  Say "it is not OK for you to make fun of me," or "even though you say you are trying to be 'funny,' I find your comments very hurtful.  Please stop."  People who are used to walking all over you generally aren't going to congratulate you on your new found boundaries.  Christmas dinner isn't the time to insist everyone change their behaviors.  Wait till January 2.  If you're not willing to create a healthy scene, then smile inwardly and plan for the quiet, respectful conversation you'll have later.  Don't shout something nasty and run out of the room and slam the door.  You can get away with that up to about the age of 8.  And that's pushing it.
• Give a nod to your bod:  This holiday season, I have decided I could live the rest of my life very happily eating only gingerbread cookie dough.  I bake the cookies for my friends, but I don't usually eat them after they are baked.  I think that's just a waste of good dough.  During the holidays we eat (and drink) more than we need to, and differently that we usually do.  We put all kinds of toxins IN to our bodies . . . and spend January in detox mode.  Lessen the impact on your body by maintaining some regular exercise, and throw in a few salads here and there.  Believe me - I'm not going to be the person with the plate of vegetables while everyone else is eating pecan pie, port wine cheese and Swedish meatballs, but I am working on trying to find balance on my plate.  I don't need to keep going back to the tray of pigs in a blanket.  I don't need 5 of those delicious canapes.  I can snack on celery.  No, it's not as fun, but I will be happy about it later.  While you're at it, throw in some exercise.  Relax now, it's not that bad.  Think about 10 minutes of stretching, or 20 jumping jacks.  The more we keep blood moving through our bodies, the more efficiently it can clean out the 10 pounds of peppermint bark we can't believe we ate. 

I'm going to take my own advice now, and move on to my next task instead of finding lots of pictures to fancy up this post.  Get out there and enjoy your holiday :)

Tis the Month Before Christmas

Lovingly Lifted from the "Appleseeds" website.  CLICK HERE for lots more fun versions of Clement C. Moore's Famous Poem!

Tis the month before Christmas, we're all going nuts;
With so much to do, there's no ifs, ands or buts.
Buy presents, hang tree lights, pop cards in the mail,
Send gift packs, thread popcorn, find turkeys on sale.

Decorations need stringing up all through the house.
And you haven't a clue what to buy for your spouse.
School concerts, receptions, open houses with friends,
Long lineups, short tempers, tying up the loose ends.

With all our mad dashing, we're reeling from shock;
Let's stop for a minute and really take stock.
It's crassly commercial, the cynical say;
If that's true, that our fault-it's us and not they.

Take time for yourself-though hard as that seems
Enjoy your kids' laughter, excitement and dreams.
Take a moment out now, don't get overly riled,
Instead make an angel in snow with your child.

The shortbread can wait, and so can the tree;
What's important to feel is a child's sense of glee.
The holidays aren't about push, rush and shove;
They're for friendship and sharing and family love.

Hear the bells, feel the warmth, light up with the glow
Of a message first sent to us so long ago:
Peace, love and goodwill, and hope burning bright.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Happy Holidays!! (And I mean that!)

I just decided I don't have a problem with wishing people "Happy Holidays!"  I went in to my local corner convenience store to buy the Diet Coke I'm not supposed to be drinking because it is sooooooo bad for me, and as I was leaving, I started to wish the cashiers a Merry Christmas . . . and that's when I realized that I had absolutely no idea if that would be meaningful to them.  I mean somebody could comment on my blog in Swahili, telling me that my blog saved them from the depths of despair and they think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and it would mean absolutely nothing to me because it's not within my frame of reference. 

I found myself leaving the convenience store thinking of the term "Namaste."  The light in me recognizes and honors the light in you.  Happy Holidays is a way of saying "I don't know what your tradition is, but I wish you happiness in it."  Sounds like good boundaries to me.  I have decided that I want to wish people happiness in whatever holiday they find it - not just mine. 

Photo Courtesy of
Digitalart/Freestockphotos.net

My wedding was held during Hannukah once upon a time, and my very dear friend lit the menorah every night and we all celebrated together.  This is one of my favorite memories of the weekend, being able to celebrate with him in HIS holiday.  Last year, one of my clients gave me a little dreidel for my kids and we had a blast learning how to play. 



I love Christmas.  I love the lights, and the music, and the nativity scene.  This is my tradition.  I have to say though that I get possibly even more gushy when I hang the same bells up on my door that hung on my parents door, and my grandparents door.  I love the sense of connectedness to those who came before me, and those who will come after.  I don't have the same connection with Kwanzaa.  I'm pretty sure that someone who has celebrated Kwanzaa feels the same way about their holiday.  I don't know any Kwanzaa songs.  And I don't have a problem with Kwanzaa in general, even though in writing this blog I learned that it was developed as a slap against Christmas.  That gets into my soapbox about visiting or living in another country and expecting that culture to adapt to yours, which I like to call the "Ugly American" syndrome.  Another blog, another time.



Photo Courtesy of
Dan/Freedigitalphotos.net

I'll tell you what I do have a problem with though.  I have a problem with having to worry that my celbrating my holiday traditions will step on the delicate toes of someone else trying to celebrate theirs.  I remember growing up and thinking it was cool to see wrapping paper with a menorah on it.  Currently, I mildly resent having to go into a special "Christian" store to buy wrapping paper that has anything to do with CHRIST.  Looking my local supermarket for wrapping paper, I found Santa, I found trees, I found Mickey Mouse, and I found puppies.  I found a winter scene with a country chapel.  Nowhere to be found was the word "NOEL."  No stars, no wise men, not even the word "Christmas."  And not enough of it is green.  But that's probably just my issue, so I'm thinking I won't make a fuss over it.  Now granted if I were able to find Christmas wrapping paper in the supermarket, it probably wouldn't have dawned on me that there wasn't paper for Hannukah, or Kwanzaa.  There's a word for that.  It's "ethnocentrism.

Here's my REAL beef:  My 9 year old was in a "Winter" play at school last week.  The subject?  All the different holidays and how they are celebrated.  They talked about Hannukah, the festival of lights and I have to admit I was messing with trying to figure out the camera on my new phone, but I'm pretty sure they mentioned the Jews.  For "La Fiesta de la Posada," they talked about Mary and Joseph going house to house searching for a room.  For Kwanzaa, they outlined the 7 principles.  When it came to Christmas, the question was "What is Christmas about?"  Not one word about Jesus.  Not one.  Not even a socio-cultural reporting of the traditional aspects.  Christmas, according to this elementary school production was about presents, and santa and wrapping paper.  Even my 9 year old noticed the slant. 

We are so all-fired afraid of offending someone that we water everything down.  I'm not going to.  Out there in the world, I'm going to wish people a Happy Holiday - cause most cultures are celebrating something this time of year.  I might just start year round, wishing people a happy Arbor Day . . . or what the heck?  How about Happy TUESDAY!!  I'm going to think about it every time though, and not let it become rote and insincere.  Every time I wish anyone ANYTHING, I'm going to take a moment to really wish it.  Throw a little goodwill out there, just willy nilly.  

When I'm at Church tomorrow, where I am surrounded by people who share my traditions, I will wish people a Merry Christmas.  Because I know it is meaningful to them.  And if someone wishes me a happy holiday, I'm going to say . . . "THANK YOU."  And be grateful they cared enough to wish me anything at all.

So Happy Holidays.  Happy Hannukah (except I missed out on that really) and Happy Kwanzaa.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all ....

a good night.  :)  Namaste.