I haven't been writing for a while. Life happens. Someday I'll write about that. I got inspired yesterday, so thanks for your follows and comments!
America (really humanity) this is your wake-up call. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and laugh, marvel and create memes in response to the wildly unacceptable behaviors of public figures in the media.
Congratulations. We’ve ended up here by our own fault.
The debates are a mirror held up to the choices we’ve made as a society as a whole for the last several decades. As a therapist, I've been watching this nightmare unfold one client at a time for 25 years.
It’s the “little things” like:
- In 4th grade, my daughter was referred to the dean and threatened with suspension from school “under the district anti-bullying policy” for writing a very respectful, well-composed letter to a teacher identifying (by name, which was the problem) a student who had cheated in a contest and asking that there be better oversight in the future.
- The employee of a health care system who received exemplary reviews for 5 years, but became uncomfortable after some suggestive comments and pretty overt gaslighting by a supervisor, reported these concerns to HR was written up the day after the “investigation” was concluded (finding nothing), and was fired a month later.
- The countless instances of the use of social media platforms for name-calling, bullying, denigration of others, and out and out brawls.
- Employees of multiple huge, well-known corporations who are expected to tolerate tirades of verbal abuse from customers and are not ALLOWED to set any limits on the way they are treated.
- Federal employees subjected to abuse from their superiors, told in mediation that while the supervisor’s behavior was in fact abusive, there was nothing to be done, and the EEO wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
- The definition of “abuse” being so narrow as to only be valid if damage can be proven AFTER the fact, and even worse victims of abuse being further exploited and traumatized by the system that is supposed to protect them
- A legal system that is no longer about truth, but about WINNING which usually involves finding loopholes and excluding evidence. (Yes there are also cases where innocent people are convicted but in today’s world of advanced forensics I believe this to be the exception not the rule).
- Teachers, tasked with the impossible, yet unable to consequence deplorable behavior of students without then being subjected to the deplorable behavior of parents without backup from administration.
- I’m not even going to get into the discrimination issues – or the other side of that coin, people using their “special status” to not be held accountable for their behaviors or not held to the same standards as others.
And that’s just what I have seen PERSONALLY. RECENTLY.
Take a good look in that mirror, America, and be honest about what you see PERSONALLY. How do you speak to your spouse? How do you TEACH your children to respect others by SHOWING them respect? How do YOU speak to the customer service representative, even if they are from another country, don’t speak passable English and can’t resolve your issue? How do you speak to the person who just rear-ended you, or cut you off in traffic? Where are your biases (we all have them) and how do you stay alert to when those biases and prejudices could impact your decisions? What are the sweeping generalizations you make about those groups or individuals with whom you disagree? How are your skills for RESPECTFULLY disagreeing?
Once you’ve taken that thorough inventory, do something about it.
- Learn good communication skills, including skills for managing conflict in a respectful, constructive way. If you are struggling for resources, google "good communication skills."
- Expand your vocabulary. You don’t have to pretend not to notice the misbehavior of others, but be able to describe it eloquently beyond using words like “nasty,” or "stupid" or name-calling, or making comments about someone’s mother. Also, If you're going to post a rant on social media and wish to be taken seriously, USE SPELL CHECK and know the difference between your and you're.
- STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT. Don’t look the other way, use those communication skills when you see that something is wrong and do something about it. That doesn’t mean go somewhere else and tattle on what you observed, DO something. That might mean you intervene when someone is being mistreated and you become the target of a tirade. Use those good communication skills to de-escalate.
- VOTE. Get involved. Write letters to your representatives and let’s agree as a country to get some better humans in positions of power. Good grief we need better choices who have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning.
We are all responsible for the way this has turned out. Edmund Burke once said that “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” None of us are blameless, and we’ve got to turn this ship around. Pronto. That being said, it’s taken a long time to get here and it will take a long time to change. Quick fixes and rash promises are wasted energy.
DO SOMETHING. Do something every day. Something small, something within your sphere of influence. Whatever it is, Just DO SOMETHING and change will come.
