What's With the Horse Again?

In the horse/human/brain analogy I present here, I'd like to clarify what represents what.  As I ride down the trail on my magnificent steed, I'm pretty much riding an amygdala.  He's a big, fuzzy, loveable amygdala, but he's still an amygdala.  His whole world is about staying alive, and he is a prey animal.  In the world of "eat or be eaten," he is BE EATEN.  Grass is what he eats.  It's not hard to catch.  He doesn't need predatory skills.  He needs to RUN at the first sign of danger, and run FAST.  He's very good at it.  It's a family trait.  MY role in the relationship is to present the voice of reason.  To suggest, through the use of my riding aids (seat, legs, reins, etc) that perhaps there is another alternative to the presence of the Wal-Mart bag than to go flying off a cliff.  I am the pre-frontal cortex, offering support and guidance to my amygdala.  With me here? 



Over the last few years, I have had the magnificent fortune to create a workshop demonstrating this concept with my horsemanship guru and good friend Louis Wood.  In a few hours time, we can actually show people the transformation from a fear-based reaction to a thoughful, considered response.  (To see Louis at work, click here)  We use volunteer horses that Louis has never met before, and generally they come in the picture of fight or flight - high-headed, wide-eyed and ready to head for the hills.  Louis offers some stability and leadership in his relationship with the horse, and before you know it, you've got a horse literally yawning he's so relaxed.  It is a powerful thing to see, let me tell you, and workshop participants GET IT in a really different way than they would if I were sitting in a lecture hall (or in my office!) yapping at them.  Contact me for more info about this.  It's so extremely cool, and coming to a neighborhood near you.  Be ready though, because I can go on about it for a long long time.



Louis Wood

In our brains, we have to use the thinking power of our frontal cortex to offer that leadership to our amygdala.  That takes practice.  Remember, in that moment of crisis, instinct says we don't need to think, we need to react.  All those amazing coping skills?  They live in the part of the brain that takes a vacation when - um - STUFF hits the fan. 

There are a number of ways to outsmart our biology though:

• First is through resolving trauma issues.  There are a gazillion different techniques out there designed to help our brains move the storage of traumatic issues from our amygdalas to the file cabinets in the back room where we don't have to react every time we get close to a trigger.  EMDR is my favorite, mostly because it's what I use. 
• Second, when we install coping strategies, we fill our toolbox with positive ways to deal with stress.  Resolve the trauma isses and you can actually USE these tools in the moment of truth. 
• Third, and the thing my clients get so sick of hearing about, is rehearsal.  We tend to play over and over what actually happened.  This traces that neural pathway over and over and increases the liklihood that when the situation arises again, we will handle it EXACTLY the same way.  I say rehearse it the way you'd LIKE it to go.  Play it over and over with assertiveness, a sense of calm, and devoid of shame and panic.  Practice for the next time, when you want to do it differently.  That's the key, I think.  We tend to think of angry things we could have said.  That zinger that would have stopped someone in their tracks.  It wouldn't.  It would just add fuel to the fire.  What stops someone in their tracks is an assertive response that asks for a reasonable answer.  An expectation of relationship in which you respect both your needs and the needs of the other person.

What a concept.  You can learn this.  And, if you have the slightest hint of larceny in your veins, you'll begin to enjoy the ability to completely undo another person with healthy, assertive behavior full of boundaries.  Because when you invite someone who just wants to fight to a higher level of relationship, they don't know what to do!!  Try not to actually chuckle out loud when you do it.  And hopefully, they will join you there, in reciprocal relationship, and then the sky's the limit!