Everything I need to know about boundaries, I can learn from my horse.

It's fairly common that I write a post and then spend the next few days thinking "I wish I'd said ______!"  I've been thinking about boundaries in relationships and thought I'd continue on that subject.  I'm tempted to call it a "SERIES" but that implies intent to come up with some sort of coherent plan.  Here's a shout out to all the magical thinkers out there when I say I'm not going to call it a series because that will insure that something crazy happens so I can't finish it.  So we'll call it "another thought on the subject of boundaries in relationship."



I've been hanging out with
 this tree for 12 years.

 In my humble opinion, the number one thing that makes relationship work is boundaries.  Now I'm not talking about just dating here, I'm talking about relationship with any other person on the planet, but it's especially important in an intimate relationship, mostly because this is the place where the stakes are highest.  We have relationship on many different levels.  I often say to clients that I have a relationship with this tree outside my office window.  I am quite attached to it in fact.  We spend a lot of time together and it brings me joy.  The relationship isn't very deep, and I don't think it's reciprocal (I think I get more out of it than the tree), but the tree hasn't made any needs known to me so I can't really be responsible for that.  I have a relationship with the bank teller, the grocery store clerk, and my mailman in addition to the close relationships

So boundaries. 

This word gets tossed around willy-nilly out there, but it's another one of those words that has been over-used and mis-used so often it isn't all that helpful (like "codependent" and "alcoholic."  Try to get an objective definition of those out there in the world.  Ugh.)  Boundaries refer to where your space is, and how much your space gets to mingle with someone else's space.  In relationship, it is important to have a sense of our own boundaries, as well as a sense of the boundaries of others.


My horses have a supreme sense of boundaries.  Their relationships are well defined.  Max is in charge.  Interestingly, he tolerates Josie eating out of his same pile of hay rather than the other two mares and NEVER the other geldings.  I'm guessing it's because Josie is the herd whipping girl.  Low man on the totem pole.  Not any chance she will challenge Max for his throne.  At this point, they have figured it out.  Recently, we added another horse to the mix.  He's another gelding, and came from a herd where he was the boss.  Max, my docile, sweet 900 pound golden retriever chased the newcomer through the pasture at a dead run.  Teeth bared, ears pinned any time that youngster even looked crosseyed at one of the mares.  Mr. C stopped even trying to join the herd after a few minutes, and picked a clump of grass far away from Max and his girls.  C tested the boundaries, Max set limits, and they all settled into the relationship. 



Order is restored.


Animals know how much emphasis to put into setting boundaries.  I'm looking at the newcomer in my pasture and knowing he's one heck of a horse if Max had to convince him that thoroughly that he's still the boss.  C's owner is one lucky human.  :)