Apparently, I'm allergic to help.

A friend of mine recently noticed that I am, as she so kindly put it, "allergic to help." 

I have been allergic to help for a LOOOOOOOONG time.  There are too many examples to list.  Here's my favorite.  Once upon a time, I volunteered myself and my horse to ride in a leadership clinic with some Cowboy from Virginia  .  After an amazing and enlightening day, I vividly remember preparing to take my gear back to the trailer.  Purse over my shoulder, bridle and helmet looped over my arm, carrying my saddle.  I believe I was about to grab my horse's lead rope as well (Hellooo - I'm an endurance rider. We don't make more than 1 trip) when the Marlboro Man asked if I needed help.  He'd just met me.  He had no idea.  As usual, the phrase "Nope!  I got it!!!"  popped out of my mouth before he'd even finished the question.  You see, I never need help.  Not ever.  And the more I need it, the less likely I am to admit it by golly unless I'm paying attention.  Well, the Cowboy folded his arms, looked at me a little sideways, leaned against the round pen, shook his head and said "My grandfather would not like this." 

I stopped dead in my tracks.  Looked at him blankly for a long moment . . . and handed him my saddle.  And said "Thank you."

A while ago, I had a conversation withy my mother that probably saved me years of therapy.  We were chatting about the past, and she commented that she used to really look forward to my coming home from school when I was in first or second grade. 

Me being me, I couldn't let that go.  "Aww, that's sweet!"  I responded . . .  "Why?"

My mother proceeded to explain to me that she had 2 babies at home at the time (ages 3 and infant), and that when I came home, it was nice to have someone to talk to . . . and here's the part that saved me therapy time . . . I never needed anything.  I would have been about seven. 

Now before my mom calls me, let me explain that I get it.  I TOTALLY get it.  When I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and trying to get things done and one of my kids asks for something, I have to work really hard not to heave a deep sigh before stopping whatever I needed to do to take care of whatever they need me to do.  The take-home message is that my mom never intended to send me the message that it wasn't ok to ask for help, but I was a pretty capable, independent kid and as a result, I was inadvertently rewarded for doing things on my own, and got the message that asking for things wasn't ok because it bothered other people.  Which I then took too far because kids do that. 

Here's the point:  at the time I had this conversation with my mother, I was struggling mightily with my issue of being totally overwhelmed (and this was BEFORE I had kids) and not having the skills to ask for help.  I would go ridiculously out of my way NOT to ask for help in fact, and would take great pains to keep anyone on the planet from ever discovering that I might possibly in any way not have everything all together.  As a mother of 2, I would have had to give that up anyway, as it is no longer possible for me to even maintain the illusion that I have everything even remotely together.  See how I've grown?

Every issue you're struggling with in your life, you learned somewhere.  Now this isn't "blame your parents" day on the blog, but odds are you learned it there.  Remember that whatever you learned, it may not be what they intended  to teach you.  When we learn things so young, we don't have fully functional reasoning brains yet, but we develop habits.  I can imagine my 7 year old self, seeing my mom doing 27 things at a time, and figuring there was no good reason to bother her with whatever I wanted, and figuring out how to do it myself.  When I was 4 I decided to clean the bathroom one day.  Trying to help.  Pretty sure mom would have been happier if I'd asked for help that day, as I ended up getting stitches in my thumb.  Or when my friend David and I decided to try out the glue-making technique we'd seen on PBS and mixed flour and water and added it to the play doh. 

When you identify what you learned, and what habits you created with your kid brain that you've carried into your adult life, it's easier to let go of them.  You're no longer locked in to the belief that if you ask for help you're horribly inconveniencing people, and they will be unhappy about it.  You can just ask.  And they can say yes or no.  And then you move on.  Shockingly?  People often say they will be more than happy to help.  It's amazing.  You should try it. 

The corrolary to this of course is be careful what you're teaching your kids.  They tend to learn it despite your best efforts.

Above all, don't forget to have a sense of humor about your bad habits.  That way you can smile when your friends laugh at you when you still do them.  ♥UBKZ