Grieving Robin Williams - an unanticipated part 2

When I wrote my previous post, up to my eyeballs in grief over the overwhelming sense of being alone that is rampant among people in today's high-tech, fast-paced, slash and burn world, it was a plea for people to remember the importance of COMMUNICATING how you feel about someone.  About recognizing that you may deeply care about a person, but if you keep that information inside your head, the other person may not get the message.  My hope was that people would take the opportunity to reach out to others in their circles and have a touching moment of connectedness. 

It didn't occur to me that some of my readers are also friends who form the pillars of my own support system and would take the opportunity to reach out to ME. 

You see, one of my really bad habits is that it's always about someone else for me.  Most of the time I'm pretty ok at taking care of myself, and my best friend teases me that I'm allergic to help.  In fact, most of the people in my inner circle enjoy setting me up by asking if they can help with something, and then answering WITH me "Nope!  I got it!"  (I show them though, from time to time.  I ACCEPT help)  We won't go into how I personally learned that asking for help was a negative thing.  No one MEANT to teach me, but I learned it anyway.  And it benefitted me in many ways, driving me to work hard and strive for excellence.  The dark side is when I need support, I have a hard time asking for it.  Or when I do ask for it and sometimes people don't know how big a deal it is for me to ask and think it's a take-it-or-leave-it issue when really it's a desperate plea in a very tiny voice.  I've trained the people in my life that I'm capable.  I like that they see me that way.  But I have to raise a fairly high flag sometimes before the lightbulb goes on that I've reached the point where I recognize that support would be helpful and that I need someone to reach out to ME.  Sometimes, I get to the point where the effort of getting that lightbulb to go on doesn't seem worth it.  Sometimes, I've faded out of relationships because it became clear that while the other person enjoyed being on the receiving end, when my bucket was empty there was nothing in the relationship for ME. 

It's been a pretty weird experience in the last few days to have people text, email or message me "YOU MATTER TO ME."  Especially the anonymous poster ... don't tell me who you are, it has been GREAT for me to think about accepting that message blindly without even knowing who I'm touched by.  It brought up a good point for me, and since I'm taking the day off today to regroup and breathe a minute before my next stretch of crazy frenetic life, here I am.  2 blogs in a week.  Crazy.

The flip side of reaching out to connect and go the extra step to make absolutely sure that someone knows that they matter to you is to have the ability to ACCEPT that connection when it is offered.  To open up the gates of your emotional fortress and LET IT IN.   

I'll go ahead and use myself as an example, since I'm here.  Some of the reactions in me to people reaching out have been a reminder that despite the work I've done, the dragons still linger in the shadows.  I found myself ANXIOUS AND UNCOMFORTABLE on the receiving end of some of the love.  How weird is that??  I found myself worried that I had come off somehow as ASKING FOR strokes, and that others felt like they HAD TO reach out and did so begrudgingly.  Now the benefit of having been working on this stuff for years is that it didn't take but a second to realize that A) that was completely ridiculous and B) if it were true, it wasn't my issue.  But it's a reminder of the challenges we face.  Not everyone gets to talk about healthy relationship every day for 8 hours, and I remember a time when I got caught up in those irrational beliefs for more than a few seconds. 

It's easy to play the negative stuff over and over in our heads, and get all wrapped around the axle about someone thinking something BAAAAAAD about us.  Give the good stuff just as much power.  Roll it around in your head and soak it up.  "I MATTER TO PEOPLE."  Don't let the thought of the people you know you DON'T matter to mar the bright, shiny diamond of the relationships that ARE working.

Especially in depression it is hard to let others in.  Someone who is experiencing depression is in physical and emotional lockdown mode.  It takes energy to reach out.  Depression drains energy.  In addition we build up walls when we're hurting that make it feel like accepting someone else's gift gives them power and makes us vulnerable.  It takes energy to remember that even if there ARE strings on the gift, the best way to unhinge the other person is to accept the gift and ignore the strings.  That being said, depression is not an excuse to lay on the floor and expect people to rescue you. That is a blog for another day.  The point today is that when someone you know is depressed, YOU HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO GET THEM TO HEAR IT. That's how you can help. And still, it may not be enough if the recipient doesn't accept it. 

Robin Williams was one of our best-loved icons.  You would be hard pressed to go out there and find someone who had NO idea who he was.  I imagine he received tons of positive feedback, and heard from literally millions of adoring fans.  Still, somewhere there was a disconnect.  I don't know what it was, and since I won't have time to read the tell-all best seller written by some person out there who is seeing dollar signs right now, I will probably never know.  But I will bet it had something to do with feeling alone. 

Once I had a really bad day.  Fortunately, I also have a great friend.  I told her over and over that I was fine on my way home from work that night, and I was fine-ish.  I would have gone home and recovered and gotten up the next day and done it again, there was zero chance I would hurt myself.  Still, when I walked in my door and found her in my house, not expecting me to TALK about it, not expecting me to put on a happy face and be positive, but just refusing to allow me to feel awful AND also alone, I could not miss that I mattered.  She went WAY out of her way and re-arranged her own busy life just because she cares about me.  I'm a little hard-headed sometimes, and it takes some drastic measures to get the message across.  Be willing to do that for people.  It makes a difference.  Thanks, B.