Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

Here we go into the Holiday season once again.  The season of parties and dinners and sitting around the table with those nearest and dearest, and often with whom we have the most conflict.  We tend to talk a lot about forgiveness, and conflict, and how we ought to treat each other.  Especially forgiveness.  Turn the other cheek and all that, forgive, forgive, forgive.
     
Well, that sounds like a lovely idea and all, but what does that mean and how do you do it?  I think society has watered down the powerful force of forgiveness to a point where it feels like we must be the proverbial doormat, and totally give up on being respected.  Au contraire.  Buddhaghosa, the 5th century commentator, is credited with the saying "by holding onto anger, you are like a man who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement in his hand and so first burns himself or makes himself stink.” Visuddhimagga IX, 23.   Forgiveness frees us from this.  Anger and resentment are cancer in relationship, eroding trust and inhibiting connectedness; both of which are absolute must haves. 

I think there are many ways to practice forgiveness, all the while maintaining our boundaries and personal integrity.  Forgiveness isn’t pretending it didn’t matter, or forgetting it happened.  It isn’t saying “that’s ok” when it’s not ok.  I’m not talking about that kind of forgiveness, which is the fake surface-level crap I often complain about.  It isn't “Oh ... I’ve forgiven that selfish, vindictive, spiteful person for being the awful person she is .... I’m praying for her ...” which gets repeated over and over to anyone who will listen.  Hey folks.  That’s complaining.  That’s an underhanded way to publicly assassinate someone’s character and still get to wear your “LOOK HOW HOLY I AM” t-shirt.  If there’s one thing that makes my blood boil it’s using God as an excuse to act like a jerk. 

 

In my opinion, forgiveness has to do with an understanding that the other person isn’t necessarily doing whatever they’re doing TO you, they’re doing it NEAR you.  Their big fault is not NOT doing it to keep you from being collateral damage to their wounded process.  Once upon a time when I was a baby therapist I had a lot of judgments about “bad” people out there.  I couldn’t understand how poeple could carry out the atrocities they inflicted upon each other.  20 years later, I get it.  I get that the more horiffic the offense, the deeper the underlying pain.  Take my word for it.  I’ve walked with people through some of the most unimaginable hells and heard every nightmarish detail of how, in the moment, that behavior is all that makes sense. I understand way more than I ever set out to. That doesn’t mean it is acceptable, of course. And it definitely doesn’t mean I have to watch it happen on the news.

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. It's a way to keep from internal combustion. It may or may not have anything to do with the person who wronged us. Stay tuned for a series on how forgiveness and boundaries work together. Just in time to deck the halls.