Cherish - turn it inside out!

Squeaking in under the wire, right before the end of the month of February, the therapist comes in with a blog on the final component of how to build a lifetime relationship.

 

Photo by digitalart

Our friend Merriam Webster says that Cherish means "to keep or cultivate with care and affection."  That sounds like something you do inside your head, and to a certain extent, it is.  Cherish is that warm feeling you can get when you're nowhere near your partner.  It's the feeling you get when you hear that song on the radio that reminds you of that time . . . you get the picture. 

 

And you get ZERO points for it in a relationship when it's inside your head.  Zero.

 

How do you cherish someone out loud?  First off, you SAY THANK YOU.  You recognize when your partner is doing something that's outside their realm of normal behavior JUST because they're loving you.  As in "I get that you went to my company dinner just because it was important to me even though you'd rather be getting a root canal.  Thank you."  Bonus points for "I understand that what I said to you last night was hurtful and mean.  I appreciate that you didn't react.  THANK YOU."

 

Next, KNOW YOUR PARTNER.  Love every quirky, idiosyncratic thing about them.  Is their definition of being "on time" being 15 minutes early?  Be early.  They like their cheese grated and on the side of their hamburger?  Remember to order it that way for them.  If you know that leaving the dishes in the sink bugs them to death, and you leave the dishes in the sink, smile when they look irritated.  Say "I know that bugs you sweetie.  I'm sorry." 

 



Photo by Photostock

Cherish is TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for your foibles and not blaming your partner for them.  Ideally, this is the person you know best, who knows you best.  You know every button to push.  Don't push.  When they're driving you crazy.  When they're acting out in all of the worst ways they know how, give them the benefit of the doubt and take the high road. 

 

Cherish is giving the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.  It's looking for a reason for your partner's reaction that is something other than "they're a jerk."  It's saying "I know you're scared . . . I'm here for you."  Instead of getting after them for their tone of voice or their over-reaction.  Switch from process to content, meaning the dishes in the sink no longer matter.  It's all about preserving the relationship.  Say "Hey - hold on . . . we're in this together," not "What's your problem?  So I didn't clean up the dishes, SO WHAT??"  Cherish is about taking the high road, and doing it lovingly, without resentment. 

 

Cherish is about having the other person's back for the sake of the relationship.  It's recognizing that by giving your partner what THEY need, you allow them to give you what YOU need.  That's different than demanding what you want.  It's about saying "let me do this for you" when your partner is at their worst, not their best.  And waiting until they get their wits about them again and can pick up the slack. 

Love, Honor and Cherish make or break it.  It's about YOUR behavior, not theirs.  Yes, there's a point at which the balance is off and the relationship doesn't work.  But that's way down the line.  Be sure you've put in YOUR best effort before pointing your finger at your partner and demanding theirs. 

Make Valentine's day last all year round.  And yes.  It can happen.  :)

 

 

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook