L - Is For the Way You Look at Me ...

 WOO HOO I DID IT!!!!  Welcome to my SERIES on what makes relationships last.  I promised you the big 3, and here they are.  Lifetime partnerships are based in LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH.

 

 

 

 

The first thing that makes a relationship run is LOVE. 
 

I'm not 80.  I promise.  But Nat King Cole had it right in his famous spelling-bee hit.  We are all familiar with the hearts and flowers part, right?  L - is for the way you LOOK at me, O - is for the only ONE I see .... you get the picture.  If you don't, listen to the above link.  That is LOVE from one angle.  I love how you make me feel, how I feel when I'm with you . . . all about MEEE!!  That's courtship.  The initial Zing! Went the strings of my heart attraction.  We need that.  Attraction is what makes our eyes meet across a crowded room and think:  "YOU.  I bet YOU could bring home the antelope/pop out a dozen kids."  Love the noun is something that happens INSIDE your head.  It's a thing.  You HAVE it.  You're IN it.  Love the noun is about phermones and hormones and a bunch of other ... um ... MONES, if you know what I mean.  That lasts about 6 months.  Love the noun is the key turning in the ignition. 

And then there's LOVE the verb - the doing word -  the fuel for this thing to run. 

What I see over and over in my little office is people who have a great foundation of love for each other, but have stopped DOING anything about it.  Now this is a generalization so nobody get offended, but one partner (typically men) go to work and think about their significant others.  They look at the picture on their desks and smile, they wonder what amazing thing she is doing with the 2.3 children that day, they might have a conversation at the water cooler with a co-worker and express how lucky they are, drive home anticipating seeing the Norman Rockwell moment that awaits them at home .... and then they walk in the door and get clobbered for not being loving enough, being checked out, self-centered and just plain rotten.  In my experience, these guys don't even know where it's coming from because from their perspective, they've been in love all day. 

 Love becomes a verb when you do something about it OUTSIDE your head.  You gotta re-fuel that machine if it's going to keep running.  And not just on Valentine's Day, though that's a start if you're way behind.  Love is taking the time to write a sticky note and put it in your partner's daytimer (yeah I know I'm the only person who has one of those anymore ... work with me) or on the screen of their tablet.  It's folding socks and underwear the way someone likes them folded even if you're a throw them all in the drawer kind of person yourself, or remembering to push the little button on the bathtub spout so they don't get blasted in the back of the head when they turn the water on even though you would never push that button even once if you lived alone.  Love the verb is about trying to make your partner's life better. Love is recognizing when your person is in need and being there whether you feel like it or not.  It's taking the high road and not snapping back when you get snapped at.  And sometimes love is setting a firm limit and not letting someone act out in negative ways to avoid having to deal with a problem.  It's speaking up in an assertive way instead of picking a passive-aggressive fight.  It's calling someone on their bad habits.  It's bringing up a sore subject to get it resolved once and for all instead of letting resentment grow.  Sometimes, love the verb really sucks.

Still, love the verb is putting your money where your mouth is, relationship-wise.  It's the grease-monkey, nuts and bolts of making a relationship work.  How boring. 

Love that lasts is the noun and the verb working together.  It takes work to keep the excitement of that first 6 months going, but it can be done!  It takes planning and anticipation, and the absence of resentment because you've been keeping up with love the verb.  LOVE someone actively in exciting and creative ways.  Don't wait till you feel like it.  Pick a day and make it exciting.  Hey!  How about TODAY!!!  Leave love notes.  Plan a date.  Be creative.  Leave a trail of rose petals, or bread crumbs . . . or whatever.  Send an email with a link to a favorite song.  Come up with your "thing," like a secret phrase or way you hold hands.  Give a massage  Entice.  Enjoy.  Think about what lights THEIR fire, and give it to them.  That's when LOVE is FUN!

 

I can't get the photo captions to work.  Dangit.

Tree And Root Of Red Heart by Archipoch

Heart By koko-tewan

And my favorite Stock Photo couple is still going strong ... Photo by imagerymajestic.