Honor spelled backward is "Ronoh." (or ... I couldn't come up with a catchy title for this post)

When is the last time you looked deeply into your partner's eyes and said "Darling, I honor you?"  Never?  Probably not.  What the heck would that mean anyway??

Bluntly, honor is about not being a jerk, and it's something that mostly happens INSIDE your head.

These days, Honor is nearly a lost art form.  It's hard to find anyone with honor in the media, in politics, even in literature.  Honor is about doing the right thing whether you feel like it or not.  It's about saying NO to the 5 year old in your head who wants what he/she wants when she/he wants it because you realize you're not a 5 year old, you're a partner in a relationship, and relationships don't work when one person (or both) is a 5 year old.  That's why we make jokes about our kids saying things like "I WON'T BE YOUR BEST FRIEND ANYMORE ..." because we realize that 5 year olds are impulsive, and short sighted, lacking in good judgment and frankly, they're fickle. 

A few basic guidelines come to mind when I think about how to honor your partner:

DON'T LIE
photo by Stuart Miles

• DON'T LIE.  Read that again.  DON'T LIE.  EVER.  Lying is a double whammy.  In one breath you can tell someone "I don't care about you" AND "I think you're stupid."  Just don't.  If you can't tell the truth about it, don't do it.  It's that simple.  That's lies of COMISSION (an out and out bold faced lie) and lies of OMISSION (leaving out that OOOOONEEEEEE little detail . . .) as well.  That also includes shading the truth and trying to make someone think they're crazy when you know you're busted.  See below.  
• ACCEPT CONSEQUENCES when you blow it.  One couple when asked what they needed from each other, responded with the following:  She went on and on about his lack of responsibility, how she needed him to step up and help around the house, follow through on what he said he would do, not lie, etc . . . he said that what he needed from her was "when I don't do it - she can't get mad!"  How's that for a double bind?  They didn't make it.  If you trip and fall and act like a jerk (that's MEN AND WOMEN), don't get mad at the other person for having feelings about it.  Give them a moment to react.  Sit with the fact that you hurt them.  Let that feeling sink in.  That is called guilt.  It's there for a reason.  It's supposed to keep you from doing it again.  Now.  Once you've fully experienced the depth of the consequences, hold yourself in warm regard, take a deep breath, and admit it.  APOLOGIZE.   It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a good person who blew it.  Move on from there.  (PS if you're not sorry at the very least that your behavior caused your partner pain, you have a much bigger problem) 
• BE RESPONSIBLE.  If you say you're going to do something, do it.  If you are somehow unavoidably kept from living up to your commitment as a result of alien abduction or being trapped under a heavy object, go back to your partner and let them know BEFORE they find out on their own.  In this realm, surprise is never a good thing.  In the same vein, don't do things that you know will negatively impact the other person just because you feel like it.  Don't buy a new pair of oh-so-super-cute-won't-these-look-great boots and then not be able to meet your financial obligations.  It's called "impulse control." Grownups have it.  5 year olds don't.
• BE A CHAMPION.  Safeguard your partner's character to the public.  Don't bitch to your friends about things you ought to be discussing with your partner.  It leaves a bad impression that will remain long after your tiff is over.  If the topic does come up, don't throw your partner under the bus.  Accept responsibility for your own failings and foibles, while keeping your self-esteem about you.  No one expects you to be perfect, but at least be fair.  And don't lie to make yourself look blameless, or like a victim.  That's the opposite of honor.
• KNOW WHO YOUR PARTNER IS, and show respect for that even if it's different than you.  They're religious and you're not?   You will not die if you go to a church service now and the, even if it's not Christmas or Easter.  They don't like mushrooms and you do?  Add the mushrooms at the end, after separating out a portion.  Pay for a concert with music you don't like and have a ball watching them enjoy it.  Support them in their hobbies, encourage them in pursuit of their passions, and never EVER confuse "I don't like doing _______ " with "you shouldn't do that."  Know the three things they would NEVER say to the kids, and don't say them either.  Your partner's preference for having the carpet vacuumed in diagonal lines is just as important as your feeling like they're lucky you know where the switch is and are willing to shove the vaccuum around for a while.  Compromise.  Figure it out.  Make agreements on when the dishes are to get done that are agreeable to both parties and STICK TO THEM.  Even if you don't feel like it. 

Honoring someone is about doing these things lovingly and without resentment. You honor someone because you love them, and because honor breeds trust.  Be someone your partner can brag about.

Oh.  AND DON'T LIE.